A widower groping his way

What I realize every single day since my wife fell ill is that a disease not only kills the patient alone but the whole family members and relations among them on a mental level. My wife who used to be mild and easy-going is not like that anymore. She is easily irritated about small things and throw unkind remarks to me more often than before. It hurts me and makes me mad, but I know that she cannot help it. It's the disease inside her, not her own self. My kids cannot have dinner with me and my wife anymore as I have to take her every weekday night to the hospital for radioactive therapy. A kind neighbor takes care of my kid for dinner. A decent dinner where me and my wife used to have with kids seems like a history. Relationship among parents and children is also being slowly damaged. As I am tired almost all the time, I get mad towards kids for small disobedience that I used to neglect before my wife got ill. Also my wife does the same. Kids are getting perplexed about change...

Needless to say, I am talking about myself. For the last two years, I had four surgery. Two for saliva stone in the neck. Two for broken collarbone. Right after removing a pin from my collarbone on 24 May 2009, I had about 12 hours of relief that I never experienced for the last two years. On the next day, my wife had a MRI scan and we found out she had a brain tumor with size of 5 centimeter. Since then, my life is getting worse and worse everyday. Or should I say getting crazier everyday.

A few days ago, my wife could not use her right leg. After taking pills to lower intracranial pressure, she was able to move the leg a little again from yesterday. But her ability to link her thought to words is getting worse everyday. I do not know what kind of symptoms are waiting for us in coming days. This is very unpleasant and demoralizing feeling.

I start this blog to reduce my stress that seems to grow and grow everyday due to the horrible disease glioblastoma that attacked my wife in May 2009. My life has totally changed since I found about my wife's disease. The ordinary daily routine that I took for granted and never considered as important is now lost. Coming home, having dinner with wife and kids, drinking honey tea made by wife while browsing the Internet and listening to Mozart, and other small things. They are now completely gone. Instead, what I have is always checking up my wife's state which is getting worse everyday, managing two sons' education schedule, taking wife to the hospital every night for radioactive therapy and other tedious chores. In short, I decided to blog to remain sane and restore even the tiny part of normal life by writing about things I had, things I lost, and things that may happen to the future of me and my wife.