A widower groping his way

The time is 9:24 pm. I am listening to music on youtube. I found this trick last night. You search "music for wine" on youtube and there are lots of music that you could hear as if you are drinking in a decent bar.  I am listening to this very music while drinking wine. I was thinking of writing a post on other blogs. A post about books and music I loved. But somehow I just ended up on this blog. This blog is a sort of my public diary. It is online but virtually nobody visits here. So, I can write my monologue here without worrying much about who will read what I write.  I have been drinking outside with people for the last few years mostly because I was lonely. It did not end well. I spent too much money and lost my health. And it did not save me from the loneliness. No matter how long I stayed with others, I should come back to this room where I sit and sleep alone. It is no use trying to deceive myself that I can run away from loneliness. At the end of the day,

Long holidays. And it still did not end. I still have four days ahead before the end of the holidays. I do not know what I should or would do. ... And now I am on the 17th days of October. It seems to my gloomy existence will not let up any day sooner. Five years passed and I am still lost in my life. My wife died and I am lost. Things do not get better. I have no idea where I am going to. I am tired of living. I want to stop everything including living day by day.