A widower groping his way

Wife was hospitalized again for a pulmonary disease that doctors here cannot identify in spite of several tests. She will go through tissue test tomorrow evening. Ironically, she is getting worse than before coming to the hospital due to unsucessful tests. Not knowing how long she has to live as MRI is on September 11, I really want to avoid tests for her. But doctors fail to make life easier for me and my wife. Staying in the hospital from this Tuesday, I read Dawkin's God Delusion. The message of the book is gloomy but truthful. There is no God in the heaven that will hear a prayer made by one person in this planet among the vast universe. I only believe in chance. Prayers, tears, crying out loud to the sky will not save my wife. Only probability, chance, and factors beyond my understanding will make a miracle. In a word, a great lottery of life will save her. I pray to the God of chance.

When I found out my wife had a brain cancer, I never thought that I would ever listen to classical music or do other things that gave me pleasure. Two months have passed. And now I am listening to Bach's cantata. I know that the disease still lurks in my wife's head and that I may not have a long time to spend with my wife. But the ordinary has bigger power than the disease. I feel sometimes as if nothing serious happened with my life. Of course, that is just a feeling not reality. Anyway, Bach is good to my ears and soothes my soul.