A widower groping his way

I mean for me and my dead wife. We don't live together anymore but we can be in this blog together as memories. I change the theme of this blog as if we would choose a new furniture for our house together. She walked with me in spring like now. It was spring of 2009 and she was alive and with me.

“There is nothing in your exterior experience that did not originate within you.” If I can accept this sentence from “The Nature of Personality” by Seth, I can make peace with everything happened to me during last five years. Broken collarbone, wife’s cancer, my abortive effort to save her and her eventual death. If what Seth said is right, then, all the things happened because I invited them though it feels as if I never did that. To put it simply, my life became shitty because I have thought all along that life is supposed to be shitty. It is like that those misfortunes were guests I had invited but I just forgot that I had sent them invitations. Now that my life is a sunken ship, am I ready to change my thoughts to change my life? No. I feel anger toward the universe, God, or whatever, maybe myself and don’t care anymore. Because I have lost the center of my normal life, which was my wife. I have nothing to restore or recover. I am living in the rubble of what I used to have

I look at Heesun’s photo in which she and I are smiling together. It was two months before she was hospitalized because she became unable to eat. I miss her so much and I want to cry. No matter what I do, no matter what philosophy and theory I use, I cannot deny the fact that I am left alone.

The only view I can take that will guarantee a peace of mind for me is that this world is illusion. I met a woman, had children, she died and now I grow old alone. I have lost most of reasons to live. Moral and emotional obligation towards my kids to support them is what I have as only reason to continue this boring and disgusting existence. I can live with that. I see it as  punishment  for coming into this world. My life is a short pleasure and a long punishment. Simple like that.

집으로 오는 차안에서 봄을 느꼈다. 바람, 공기, 햇볕. 모두 봄이 왔다는 느낌을 강하게 준다. 희선은 봄에 죽었다. 희선이 병에 걸린 것을 알기 바로 한달 전 남산으로 소풍을 갔었다. 모든 것이 깨어지기 전의 평화였다. 그 마지막 4월이. 죽을 때까지, 영원히 봄에는 행복할 수 없을 거라는 생각을 한다.

I want to believe she is somewhere, she is looking at me everyday, she listens to me when I talk to her in my car on my way home every evening. I want to believe that she still exists though her body was cremated and nothing remains with me except some of her hair I gathered from her brush. I want to see her in my dream and in my successful astral projection in the future.

I just did not know that. My wife was young and healthy, kids were cute. And I was young. We had a future ahead of us. A future that did not materialize in a manner that we vaguely expected. A future where we would grow old together. A future where Heesun would see her sons getting married to good girls. A future where she and I would spend our later years together. The future did not come. Maybe it was not in the plan from the beginning. Things had to be this way all along from the beginning. We were on a train that was bound to hit the wall and everything, everyone on the train is shattered.

Just like other days, today I feel surreal about my life. I am here alone. Nobody gives a damn about me just like I don't do about them, either. When Heesun was alive, I was a member of this world. I did routines as if I care about this world and my life here. She was an anchor that tied me to the world. Now she's gone and it is getting increasingly difficult to believe that I have any reason to take this world and my life seriously. I just wait for time to pass and pass until I die. horrible fine dust in Seoul

Yesterday, between 2 to 4 AM, I had an experience of astral projection. Maybe or maybe not. Anyway, I flew and visited distant places but failed to see my wife Heesun. Before the May of 2012 when my wife died, I was a member of ignorant crowd who think themselves as scientific. People of common sense who think their limited body and intelligence can understand everything under the Sun. But if they heard descriptions of the quantum world from a physicist, they would consider him crazy. They are so ignorant and so was I. Now I don’t think I know everything in the world. And I know that just because something does not come within the scope of my dull senses, it does not become automatically non-existent. But there is another reason why people don't care about or believe the possibility of worlds other than this physical world in which we live. They are simply satisfied with the current world because they have no traumatic experience which makes one sick of this world. I had suc

Just like I lost my wife to cancer because I was careless, I lost all of my posts by carelessly updating the wordpress. Now I have to do it from the scratch again. This is terrible or this is a chance to start writing about my life and my wife's prematurely finished life from a different perspective. P.S. Now I am recovering lost posts by retrieving cached blog posts on Google search.

It is like I am living in a desert island. I am distant from people. I rarely call anybody and people hardly call me. It is as if I am already living among the dead. I am almost dead. People have their lives to concern themselves with. I have no concern or interest in my life. The only thing that is left for me is responsibility. Responsibility to my kids and my parents. I have no joy in life. As days go by, I feel more and more distant from normal life people are enjoying. My only wish is that time will pass and my kids will grow up and take care of themselves. Then, I will do something to change my life. The first thing will be to leave for a distant place.

일요일. 잠깐 차에 물건을 갖다 놓으러 나간 것 외에는 집에서 나가지 않았다. 하루가 시작되더니 금방 저녁이 된다. 애들은 방에 틀어박혀서 하루 종일 컴퓨터 게임만 한다. 남자 셋이 있는 집안은 그저 PC방 같다. 시간이 흘러서 애들이 여자를 만나 가정을 꾸리기를 바란다. 아내와 함께 아기자기한 시간을 보내기를 바란다. 웃음소리가 나는 집에서 살기를 바란다. 그렇게 되면 나는 여행을 떠날 것이다. 멀리.