A widower groping his way

Yes. That is the most important question because it is very likely that I will stay alone till I die. I find it highly unlikely that I will find a woman that I can love the way I loved my dead wife. It was such a rare case that I found a woman like her.  I grow old everyday and I give up more and more everyday the chance of meeting the right woman for me.  So, the question is this. Can I become a self-sufficient man who can enjoy himself without a woman? If I can make myself that kind of widower, I will be OK. If not, my life will not improve and I will not feel better.  How the hell you make friends with yourself by the way? 

five years ago, this day was one day before my wife died. I was at the lowest and the most miserable point of my life. things have changed. my sons were little kids then, now they are 19 and 17 years old. I am now 51 years old.  I hate spring. I hate May and June. I hate this time of the year. families are going out to enjoy their life. I am in my house remembering what my life was like before the shit storm struck my family.  I spend money on useless stuffs and drinking. It does not make me feel better at all.  no matter what I do, I can't get my life back. I can't get my wife back. life outside my life goes on as if nothing happened, as if my wife did not die. as if i did not become a widower.  there is nothing i can do to change my life into what it was before all of the things happened. that is what i have to accept.. the irreversible nature of time.  all the shitty arguments about the value of solitude are just that.. shitty.  I do not fight the time, the world