five years, my dead wife and me.

five years ago, this day was one day before my wife died. I was at the lowest and the most miserable point of my life. things have changed. my sons were little kids then, now they are 19 and 17 years old. I am now 51 years old. 

I hate spring. I hate May and June. I hate this time of the year. families are going out to enjoy their life. I am in my house remembering what my life was like before the shit storm struck my family. 

I spend money on useless stuffs and drinking. It does not make me feel better at all. 

no matter what I do, I can't get my life back. I can't get my wife back. life outside my life goes on as if nothing happened, as if my wife did not die. as if i did not become a widower. 

there is nothing i can do to change my life into what it was before all of the things happened. that is what i have to accept.. the irreversible nature of time. 

all the shitty arguments about the value of solitude are just that.. shitty. 

I do not fight the time, the world, the nature of time. I just accept them. I just live day by day until this stupid and meaningless farce is over and I am out of this world. 

I just try to forget. and live one moment at a time. 

I will go to my wife's cemetery with my two sons tomorrow.