A widower groping his way

What is so special about one festive day that distinguishes it from other mundane days? Nothing. They are just human inventions. In the vast universe, there is no Sunday and no Christmas day. They are just silly convention made up by inhabitants of this tiny mole hill called the earth.  But such so-called special days make me feel more depressed and lost and lonelier than other days. That is just the way it goes for me.  That is why I resumed smoking after staying away from cigarettes for three days and why I am going to a karaoke to appease my emptiness. 

I smoke. I drink. I try to get a woman. But nothing quenches my restless soul.  Three years have passed since my wife died. However, I am still caught in the past. I do not take care of my health properly. I live like a man with no future. Maybe I am exactly that. A man without future and hope.  I am always hungry for the touch of another human being. More correctly, a presence of a woman in my life who loves me like my wife did. And that is something that cannot happen,  I am lost in this messed-up lifestyle. I need to do something to change myself. I need to find ways to have the peace of mind. I just need to change the direction of my life. If I go on like this, it is matter of time when I will collapse and make my kids orphans.  Life fucked me. I should accept it. If I keep living like this, it will me and life that fuck me. I need to change everything in my life. I need to reinvent myself as a wholesome widower. 

I have been buried in my despair and disorganized life for too long. My health and morale is at the lowest level ever. I was not like this even during the months after my wife died.  I smoked for more than two years now after successfully quitting for one year. I am chronically tired and my mind is not clear. A few days ago, I made a stupid and shameless advance to a woman that I hardly know. It can be explained as a symptom of desperate loneliness but it also reflects the status of my mental balance verging on the lack of common sense.  I was gloomy and sad in the winter of 2012 and spring of 2013. But at that time, I still had a dignity and a good level of self-restraint. However, now, all I see when I look in the mirror is a loser with no self-respect who walks deeper and deeper into a mud of self-hatred and self-contempt every single day.  I cannot live like this forever. Sooner or later, I will have a lung cancer or make more stupid mistakes than asking a stranger to go to be