A widower groping his way

Last night, I thought I would die because of short breath. It was so difficult to breathe in bed. I was thinking, then. This is it. I stop smoking today. And I bought cigarettes again when I got to work. I am a hopeless case of weak will power. I tell myself again and again. “You should survive for your sons”. Then I pick up the pack and go out to smoke almost automatically. It’s as if my mind wants to survive but my body wants to kill itself because it cannot bear loneliness. My strong bet is I will go out again to smoke right after publishing this post. Totally irrational…

I look ahead of me. Years, months or days to live alone. My health is getting worse everyday. I know that I cannot get her back. I know that she is not here or at least cannot contact me even if she still lives as a soul. I had almost no reasons, justification for existence until she came into my life. Now that she is not around, I ask myself “what reasons do I have now for living?” The answer is just one. My sons. But they need me until they grow up and can take care of themselves. It will be about 5 or 6 years. Maybe 10 years. I don’t know if I can live that long. I don’t know whether my health will be good enough to stay around after 1 year from now. She had to die in spite of everything I did to save her. Maybe it was her fate. Then, what about my fate? Everything I did was useless to save her. Now, everything I do to live until my kids grow up may be also useless. I could not change her fate. How can I expect that I can change my fate. Maybe I should just wait until God o

I keep smoking. I throw cigarettes and buy them again. I am afraid of the future. I have lost direction in my life. I am sad and tired and sick. I am listening to Chopin’s concerto No.2. It’s 4 pm Sunday.

She died on 2nd of May last year. Now it’s almost one year from her death. My health is getting worse everyday. Will I die before the day when she died comes again? I have burning sensation over my back and chest. Something could be wrong with my lungs. Or something wrong with my stomach and feed tube. I just don’t know. What I know is the passage of time has lost meaning to me. Growing old with my wife must have changed everything. Raising kids with her. Watching them grow. Making love to her at nights. Touching her soft body and kissing her lips. I will never have that again. The thought that I will have none of that in my life ever again, that she will not be in this world ever again. This thought is enough to take away all the meanings from my life. I know I should stop smoking. But I bought cigarettes again today. This burning sensation gets stronger everyday. I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of pain, though. I have to live, not for me, but for my sons. If I die, they have

She died on 2nd of May last year. Now it’s almost one year from her death. My health is getting worse everyday. Will I die before the day when she died comes again? I have burning sensation over my back and chest. Something could be wrong with my lungs. Or something wrong with my stomach and feed tube. I just don’t know. What I know is the passage of time has lost meaning to me. Growing old with my wife must have changed everything. Raising kids with her. Watching them grow. Making love to her at nights. Touching her soft body and kissing her lips. I will never have that again. The thought that I will have none of that in my life ever again, that she will not be in this world ever again. This thought is enough to take away all the meanings from my life. I know I should stop smoking. But I bought cigarettes again today. This burning sensation gets stronger everyday. I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of pain, though. I have to live, not for me, but for my sons. If I die, they have