A widower groping his way

For as long as I can remember, even when I was a five-year-old kid, I was a pessimist. I always had a feeling of lethargy about my life or the human existence in general. I used to sit alone on a seesaw while other kids were playing together in the kindergarten school. I saw them and had a vague wonder that how they could be so cheerful. I was a gloomy kid. Living this life seemed to me a toil and making a child seemed to me, just like Flaubert thought, an act of cruelty. Heesun changed such thoughts inside of me. She turned my life into something simple and acceptable. I was just a man living with his woman and his kids. I was able to feel myself as a normal member of the society. I was one of them. Now that Heesun is gone, I see nothing that connects me to this world except my sons. I have a responsibility to them because I committed the cruelty of letting them into this world. That responsibility will be lessened when they can take care of themselves and find their spouses. I

Think about the time I have to spend alone until I die. Then, things get hard to bear. I need to focus on small things that need to be done. Things that can occupy my mind and help me pass each day. I need to live like an animal as an embodiment of the present as seen by Schopenhauer. Like a dog happy with its bone in his paws.

The best way for me would be to finish this boring existence by swallowing death pills or throwing myself off from a tower. Unfortunately, I cannot do that because I have two sons to take care of until they grow up to be independent. I am not tormented by endless thoughts of my dead wife. What makes me suffer is the thought that just like her horrible death, my life is also meaningless. Why go on living this farce where happiness and misery are not given in a fair manner but only chance prevails? I am disillusioned and want to go out of this life. And I can’t do that because of my responsibilty to my sons. Everything lost its urgency or importance for me. The most important person in my life is not in this world. Nothing needs to be done. I start reading a book and I stop. I start writing a memory and I stop. I don’t have to finish anything. I think about another reality, a parallel universe, where she is still alive and beside me. I imagine. Sadly, my imagination is so blurry

I need to know and find reasons why things were like that for my wife and me. I know the world does not care about my need. Or does it care? Maybe not. I read books on astral projection and souls and near death experiences. I got no final answers. I am more confused now than before I read the books. My question is simple. Why such a meaningless pain and death for her? Painful treatement for cancer for 1 year, a short deceptive recess, and more than 1 year of the process where she gradually lost her bodily and mental functions and had to die as an empty shell in which her mind and feeling was totally erased. Books on souls says that these painful experiences and even death was planned in advance by the very person who have them. They plan them to learn lessons in this life. It is not that I believe everything I read. I just want an explanation that I can accept. As long as something is explained, I can accept it no matter how cruel or painful it is. I need an explanation, a jus