What her death means to me

For as long as I can remember, even when I was a five-year-old kid, I was a pessimist. I always had a feeling of lethargy about my life or the human existence in general.

I used to sit alone on a seesaw while other kids were playing together in the kindergarten school. I saw them and had a vague wonder that how they could be so cheerful. I was a gloomy kid.

Living this life seemed to me a toil and making a child seemed to me, just like Flaubert thought, an act of cruelty. Heesun changed such thoughts inside of me. She turned my life into something simple and acceptable. I was just a man living with his woman and his kids. I was able to feel myself as a normal member of the society. I was one of them.

Now that Heesun is gone, I see nothing that connects me to this world except my sons. I have a responsibility to them because I committed the cruelty of letting them into this world. That responsibility will be lessened when they can take care of themselves and find their spouses. I will be free to do whatever I want and one of those whatevers is very likely to be killing myself and put an end to this tedious and boring existence.

If I die, people that know me would think I did it to rejoin my wife. But the truth would be I always wanted to get out of this world and my wife was the only thing between such desire of me and my death. Now that she is not here, it is only fair that I will want to gratify my wish.

Of course, no one knows what will actually happen. When the kids grow up, I may find a new source of pleasure and hope that will make me want to live until I am old and senile enough to paint walls with my shit. But I doubt such change will happen.