Why can’t I let it go?

I need to know and find reasons why things were like that for my wife and me. I know the world does not care about my need. Or does it care? Maybe not.

I read books on astral projection and souls and near death experiences. I got no final answers. I am more confused now than before I read the books.

My question is simple. Why such a meaningless pain and death for her? Painful treatement for cancer for 1 year, a short deceptive recess, and more than 1 year of the process where she gradually lost her bodily and mental functions and had to die as an empty shell in which her mind and feeling was totally erased.

Books on souls says that these painful experiences and even death was planned in advance by the very person who have them. They plan them to learn lessons in this life.

It is not that I believe everything I read. I just want an explanation that I can accept. As long as something is explained, I can accept it no matter how cruel or painful it is. I need an explanation, a justification for my wife’s early death.

If her death had no meaning, if a woman I loved can die so easily without any good reason, my life is equally meaningless.

I know that I can forget my wife’s death and the pain she had to go throught, not altogether but to a certain degree. But I don’t want to do that.

Maybe this is a kind of self-torment. Trying to remember her against the flow of time that makes her memory fade every passing day. But I want to remember. I don’t want to forget her. Even if all memory about her will be erased from this world with my death, I want to keep that memory. I just want to.