A widower groping his way

이 지겨운 인생도 언젠가는 끝난다. 나는 영원히 살지는 않는다. 이 세상에서. 이 육체도 언젠가는 작동을 중단하고 쓰러질 것이다. 버려진 차처럼. 나는 이 세상에서 빠져나갈 것이다. 언젠가는. 모든 것이 끝날 것이다. 나의 육체가 무너지는 순간, 이 세상도 사라질 것이다. 나에게는. 나의 의식을, 존재를 지우개로 지워버릴 수 있다면 좋겠다. 모든 것을 잊어버릴 수 있게. 내가 존재했다는 사실 조차 지워버릴 수 있다면 좋겠다. 세상을 지워버리고 싶다. 모든 것을. 모든 것을.

I was healthy in the summer of 2013.  I almost died in the summer of 2012 after my wife died in May of the same year. I lost weight down to 52 kilograms. I had difficultly in breathing due to excessive smoking. I had to stop smoking. So, I stopped. After a couple of months, I got better. I gained weight. I weighed more than 64 kilograms. My thighs and chests got bigger. I felt good physically, though inside I felt miserable all the same.  I met no people. I came from work and stayed home everyday doing the household chores. I was like a housewife and a husband in one body. I was lonely and thought about death all the time. My wife's death and my own death.  Ironically, I was in a better shape when my thoughts were the darkest one and now I have more social life than in 2013 but my condition is the worst ever.  Maybe, a lifestyle of a hermit is the best one for my health. Maybe I should shut down the door to the outside world and stick to my own self like I did two years ago.

Life goes on though I am left alone here. I wake up every morning, go to work, stay in the office, waste my life there, drive home, eat dinner, play video games, and sleep and I wake up and I go to work and. The only consolation I have is this stupid cycle will eventually come to an end though I don’t know when. Then, I won’t have to be here in this world and will see my wife. I will not come back. At least I think so at this moment, in this life.

I meet people and drink. I smoke cigarettes. If I dump them, I borrow them from people. I get weaker and sick everyday. I know I am going into a wrong and hopeless direction. The end of this road will be my death and my sons as orphans.  These unreasonable actions are coming from my lack of purpose in life and my abhorrence of living. I cannot change the reality that sucks. Because I cannot change the outer world, my only option is to change my inner world. The world I am living through my brain. I can change that though I would have to work really hard to do that.  What is so natural but I have been missing for the last one year since I resumed smoking is that my physical condition is closely related to, or even responsible for, my mental health. When I was smoke free, I thought and felt more confident than now, although I did not notice it at that time. A simple act of not smoking made me a better person both in terms of physical and mental health. Even the world I was living in

If I give more thoughts to my life, what happened to my life that changed it beyond recognition, I can't live anymore. But the routine of daily life is stronger than my misery. Heesun left me for good but I still live.  I had a loving wife and my sons had a good mother. We lost her but we still live. Death is something ultimate that ends everything for a world that was familiar to us. But we still live as if something means anything to us.  If I focus on what really happened, I have no reason to strive for. I should just close my eyes and wait for the moment that the death also comes to me.  I am tired and sad. I see no reason for keep doing stuffs but I still stay here. I am lazy and blind. 

Maybe I touched an angel's hand.  Your heart makes me brighter and clear everyday like a glass.  When your hands touch my heart of a little boy, I feel that I thank you and I love you.  I pray that my wishes for you will come true.  My first wish.  Don't get ill when I am not there. I will always protect you.  Be well. My Love.  I wonder if you know I always feel sorry even if I can give my everything to you.  I thank you and l love you.  I pray that my wishes for you will come true.  My second wish.  Even if we have hard times, let's not lie to each other. If we had to, let them just be good lies.  And my last wish.  I will not let go of your hands that I am holding now.  I wish when we close our eyes forever in the future, it will be the same day and the same time. 

I tried to meet women because I missed intimacy, both physical and emotional. And I failed. Miserably.  I am messing up my life physically, mentally and financially. I am not self-sufficient as much as I thought about myself in the past.  I lost the sense of direction in my life. Where am I going with this disoriented life style? What is waiting for me ahead in the future? What kind of person will I change into? What kind of old man will I become? Will I even survive until I turn 60s or 70s? Do I even want to live that long as a loner? What is this world around me? Why did my life change into this barren desert?  What is the meaning of living like this? Can I just die and forget about everything? But even if I die, I won't feel better if I still remember everything. 

This is my world. I live in it. There is nobody in the world. I do have parents and children. But they don't share my inner world. They don't know what is happening inside this world.  I look for intimacy in places where I cannot find it. I look for understanding and love in people who don't have the remotest idea of what I experienced and am still going through.  The only person who can hug me and comfort me is my wife and she is not here anymore. In the course of looking for the impossible from places and people, my life and my body became messed up.  I should stop for a week, a month or even a year to fully understand what I have become. I need to think and think deeply. I need to find an answer. I need to stay calm and forget about my desires, dreams and frustration. I need to be silent. 

I am just travelling through this world. I am not stuck in this world. All the things that have happened to me are nothing but illusion. When I leave this dimension and go into another one, I will find a whole new world, where there is no death or separation from the one I love. Life is a long and boring joke that eventually ends.  Nothing is serious enough to deserve agonizing over it. Everything will be wiped away sooner or later. Just like my wife's body was erased, my body will be broken and dumped away. I don't have to think and live as if I will stay here forever. What remains is my consciousness and everything else will be gone. I am just a traveler here.  I should not go back in memory to the time when all I had was despair and fear watching my wife slowly dying for more than one year. I should not think about the past or the future. I should not think at all. I should just forget everything. I should be like a stone that feels nothing. I should stay away from peopl

to overcome the death of your spouse is not about analyzing where you were, it's about deciding where you want to go, and beyond. 

My world is crumbling down. Just like my body and my mind. I see no clear way ahead of me. I don't know what to do with my life. I live as if I have no tomorrow. I waste my life over futile things. I am trapped in my own idea of what my life is like. And the idea is dark and gloomy. I need to stay away from my thoughts and feelings. They are toxic. I am sick of playing the role of a pathetic and lonely widower. I am sick of hearing myself think and feel. I need to run away from me. I need to go someplace where even I cannot find myself. These petty miseries of mine. This stupid and useless thoughts and feelings of me. I need to forget about myself. I need to ignore myself. Close my eyes and try to listen to the sound of the world outside other than noise in my head.