A widower groping his way

Everyday, I fall and hate myself for not being strong. I don't know where I am headed to in this life of a lonely widower.  I have no plan, no purpose, no objective. Time passes and I have days or years to live before I meet my wife again.  I try to lie to myself that things will be OK but I know I have no real answer. Everything was for real and suddenly my life became something I don't find any logic or reasons behind it.  Now I don't even know if I want to keep going or just hang myself. If only there is a sign that she is watching over me and wanting me to change my life for the better.  I lost my way. I lost my life. I lost myself. 

희선의 옛날 사진, 동영상 하나를 보는 것으로 충분하다. 죽고 싶은 생각이 들기 위해서는. 삶의 허무함을 바로 느끼게 된다. 내가 하고 있는 모든 일의 헛됨을 느끼는 데에도 충분하다.  둘 중에 하나다. 지금 바로 죽어버리거나, 죽을 때까지 기다리거나. 나에게는 이 둘 밖에는 선택권이 없다.