A widower groping his way

If I don't change it, I will do the same thing as I did yesterday. I will go out and smoke every hour when the air is so dirty. I will play PS4 game all day long. I will just live like a zombie today. Just like yesterday. I need to change things. This is no fun. This not helping me at all. This does not make me feel good.  What already happened has happened. My wife, Heesun, died. I am expecting to live as a widower until the end of my life here in this dirty country. Nothing can change the past.  I can feel better if I accept everything as my only reality. There is no changing the fate. I should try to find small fun in this life with no way out. I should minimize every distraction in my life. I should speak less, do less, and live less. That will make this life endurable. I should go out less and stay home more. I should stay inside my room. That is the way I will live the new year. 

Christmas. New Year. Lovers get together and have a good time. They walk in the snow covered street. Not for me.  I always hated December since my wife died and this year is not an exception. I got weaker, sicker and gloomy more than any year before. I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas in the bed alone while kids were out to play or do the part-time job.  I was alone and it was a prelude of what to come after 10 years from now. I will be lying in the bed during holidays. No doubt. If I don't die until then, I will be in my bed as if I am already dead. Who cares? I don't care. This was how my life was meant to be. My final destination. My wife, Heesun, was just a detour. She stopped for a while my life not to be like this but it was too difficult a task for her. So she died with cancer. And I am back to square one. My real life. A life lived alone in the bed.