A widower groping his way

Heesun died on 2nd May of 2012. Now its more than 6 years ago. I am still caught in the memory of those dark days when she was on the verge of dying all the time and when I was crushed by the weight of her impending death. My life lost its normalcy then and it is still broken. I make no plan and even if I make one I smoke it away after three days. What kind of failure I have become. I curse the day that I was born. I hate myself for making a decision to come into this life. Letting go seems a solution but I can't stand such a life, either. What a horrible existence without hope and future.

a small change. like not touching and buying cigarettes at all. not entertaining gloomy thoughts in my head. not thinking and feeling sad memories of the past. thinking of happy and beautiful things. being kind and loving to myself for my failures. not being harsh to myself for my stupid mistakes. giving me lots of slacks for my stupidities. being kind to myself. 

almost the same as yesterday. been in the house all day long. Seungho played with his friends in his room. Jiho went out at 12 pm. played games. smoked cigarettes. ate meals. and now I am alone in the house again. (this break was for another smoking).  I can make a few changes for this year. I will stop smoking. More specifically, I will stop buying them.  I will stop trying to connect to people. I have done it for three years and it did not make me happy. I felt worse because the more I hang out with people, the more I realize what I lost. My wife. My past normal life.  What I miss cannot come back again. I want to be with my wife in bed. I want to touch her, embrace her, kiss her and make love to her. Not just any woman but only her.  It is just crazy that I was trying many ways, craiglist, tinder, okcupid, to find a woman that will fill the void left by my wife's death. They are not my wife. And I am not the same man who met my wife back in 1992, which was more than 2