sick of living like this

Heesun died on 2nd May of 2012. Now its more than 6 years ago. I am still caught in the memory of those dark days when she was on the verge of dying all the time and when I was crushed by the weight of her impending death. My life lost its normalcy then and it is still broken.

I make no plan and even if I make one I smoke it away after three days. What kind of failure I have become. I curse the day that I was born. I hate myself for making a decision to come into this life.

Letting go seems a solution but I can't stand such a life, either. What a horrible existence without hope and future.