sick of living like this

Heesun died on 2nd May of 2012. Now its more than 6 years ago. I am still caught in the memory of those dark days when she was on the verge of dying all the time and when I was crushed by the weight of her impending death. My life lost its normalcy then and it is still broken.

I make no plan and even if I make one I smoke it away after three days. What kind of failure I have become. I curse the day that I was born. I hate myself for making a decision to come into this life.

Letting go seems a solution but I can't stand such a life, either. What a horrible existence without hope and future.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

6월

희선의 옛날 사진, 동영상 하나를 보는 것으로 충분하다. 죽고 싶은 생각이 들기 위해서는. 삶의 허무함을 바로 느끼게 된다. 내가 하고 있는 모든 일의 헛됨을 느끼는 데에도 충분하다.  둘 중에 하나다. 지금 바로 죽어버리거나, 죽을 때까지 기다리거나. 나에게는 이 둘 밖에는 선택권이 없다. 
Read more

June 23, 2016

남은 것은 나 하나. 아내는 먼저 갔다. 이렇게 있다가 언젠가는 아내를 보러 갈 수 있다. 문제는 도대체 얼마나 여기에, 이 칙칙한 세상에 묶여 있어야 하는가다. 죽음보다 더 두려운 것은 죽음을 기다려야 하는 비루한 인생이다. 희망이 없는 인생. 환멸 밖에 남지 않은 인생. 무의미.
Read more

I hate December.

Christmas. New Year. Lovers get together and have a good time. They walk in the snow covered street. Not for me.  I always hated December since my wife died and this year is not an exception. I got weaker, sicker and gloomy more than any year before. I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas in the bed alone while kids were out to play or do the part-time job.  I was alone and it was a prelude of what to come after 10 years from now. I will be lying in the bed during holidays. No doubt. If I don't die until then, I will be in my bed as if I am already dead. Who cares? I don't care. This was how my life was meant to be. My final destination. My wife, Heesun, was just a detour. She stopped for a while my life not to be like this but it was too difficult a task for her. So she died with cancer. And I am back to square one. My real life. A life lived alone in the bed. 
Read more