And First day of the year 2018
almost the same as yesterday. been in the house all day long. Seungho played with his friends in his room. Jiho went out at 12 pm.
played games. smoked cigarettes. ate meals. and now I am alone in the house again. (this break was for another smoking).
I can make a few changes for this year. I will stop smoking. More specifically, I will stop buying them.
I will stop trying to connect to people. I have done it for three years and it did not make me happy. I felt worse because the more I hang out with people, the more I realize what I lost. My wife. My past normal life.
What I miss cannot come back again. I want to be with my wife in bed. I want to touch her, embrace her, kiss her and make love to her. Not just any woman but only her.
It is just crazy that I was trying many ways, craiglist, tinder, okcupid, to find a woman that will fill the void left by my wife's death. They are not my wife. And I am not the same man who met my wife back in 1992, which was more than 25 years ago. A woman who has no shared history with me is nobody. She is just a shell, just a body. There is no difference between any woman in the street and those women I tried to connect. I am nobody to them and they nobody to me.
Just like that, I am nobody to people in the office and they to me. If I suddenly die, I will soon be forgotten. They will not come to my grave, not like I do for my wife.
I have many more things to concentrate on, focus on than other people. I can read, write, listen to music, learn skills, and just sleep or daydream. The only thing I should not do is to talk to people and tell them about my life. Nobody is interested in my life. Maybe I am not interested in it, either.
I just stay in my own shell. in my body and and in my mind. I will not go over to other people's desk and ask them about what is up. I really don't care.
I really don't care. I don't need to care.
played games. smoked cigarettes. ate meals. and now I am alone in the house again. (this break was for another smoking).
I can make a few changes for this year. I will stop smoking. More specifically, I will stop buying them.
I will stop trying to connect to people. I have done it for three years and it did not make me happy. I felt worse because the more I hang out with people, the more I realize what I lost. My wife. My past normal life.
What I miss cannot come back again. I want to be with my wife in bed. I want to touch her, embrace her, kiss her and make love to her. Not just any woman but only her.
It is just crazy that I was trying many ways, craiglist, tinder, okcupid, to find a woman that will fill the void left by my wife's death. They are not my wife. And I am not the same man who met my wife back in 1992, which was more than 25 years ago. A woman who has no shared history with me is nobody. She is just a shell, just a body. There is no difference between any woman in the street and those women I tried to connect. I am nobody to them and they nobody to me.
Just like that, I am nobody to people in the office and they to me. If I suddenly die, I will soon be forgotten. They will not come to my grave, not like I do for my wife.
I have many more things to concentrate on, focus on than other people. I can read, write, listen to music, learn skills, and just sleep or daydream. The only thing I should not do is to talk to people and tell them about my life. Nobody is interested in my life. Maybe I am not interested in it, either.
I just stay in my own shell. in my body and and in my mind. I will not go over to other people's desk and ask them about what is up. I really don't care.
I really don't care. I don't need to care.
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