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God, are you there?

Wife was hospitalized again for a pulmonary disease that doctors here cannot identify in spite of several tests. She will go through tissue test tomorrow evening. Ironically, she is getting worse than before coming to the hospital due to unsucessful tests. Not knowing how long she has to live as MRI is on September 11, I really want to avoid tests for her. But doctors fail to make life easier for me and my wife. Staying in the hospital from this Tuesday, I read Dawkin's God Delusion. The message of the book is gloomy but truthful. There is no God in the heaven that will hear a prayer made by one person in this planet among the vast universe. I only believe in chance. Prayers, tears, crying out loud to the sky will not save my wife. Only probability, chance, and factors beyond my understanding will make a miracle. In a word, a great lottery of life will save her. I pray to the God of chance.
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Thoughts in the dark

It is like I am living in a desert island. I am distant from people. I rarely call anybody and people hardly call me. It is as if I am already living among the dead. I am almost dead. People have their lives to concern themselves with. I have no concern or interest in my life. The only thing that is left for me is responsibility. Responsibility to my kids and my parents. I have no joy in life. As days go by, I feel more and more distant from normal life people are enjoying. My only wish is that time will pass and my kids will grow up and take care of themselves. Then, I will do something to change my life. The first thing will be to leave for a distant place.
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2014.4.13

일요일. 잠깐 차에 물건을 갖다 놓으러 나간 것 외에는 집에서 나가지 않았다. 하루가 시작되더니 금방 저녁이 된다. 애들은 방에 틀어박혀서 하루 종일 컴퓨터 게임만 한다. 남자 셋이 있는 집안은 그저 PC방 같다. 시간이 흘러서 애들이 여자를 만나 가정을 꾸리기를 바란다. 아내와 함께 아기자기한 시간을 보내기를 바란다. 웃음소리가 나는 집에서 살기를 바란다. 그렇게 되면 나는 여행을 떠날 것이다. 멀리.
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