I can get better if only I want to
I meet people and drink. I smoke cigarettes. If I dump them, I borrow them from people. I get weaker and sick everyday. I know I am going into a wrong and hopeless direction. The end of this road will be my death and my sons as orphans.
These unreasonable actions are coming from my lack of purpose in life and my abhorrence of living. I cannot change the reality that sucks. Because I cannot change the outer world, my only option is to change my inner world. The world I am living through my brain. I can change that though I would have to work really hard to do that.
What is so natural but I have been missing for the last one year since I resumed smoking is that my physical condition is closely related to, or even responsible for, my mental health. When I was smoke free, I thought and felt more confident than now, although I did not notice it at that time. A simple act of not smoking made me a better person both in terms of physical and mental health. Even the world I was living in was different from now. I was still lonely and gloomy often back then but I was standing on my feet firmly and was able to solve daily problems with good health and judgement. But these days, I can see myself really collapsing down in body and soul.
I just don't see me as a person who can manage a day's routine like working in the office and taking care of kids, tending household chores, and keeping my financial condition in order. Everything is falling apart.
I really want a change in my life. And that change is possible only if "I" initiate and keep it going. So, I am in a kind of dead-end or a vicious cycle. I am getting worse because I am acting worse. If I want to get better, I should act better. Everything is connected. My actions, my mind, my feelings, and my health and my family.
The first step is to stay away from the noise in my mind that makes me buying cigarettes, drinking recklessly, saying things unnecessary and stupid, and telling myself dark and depressing things. I need to and should tell my body and mind to be quiet and contemplative. All the petty worries and pessimistic stuffs that are rattling in my brain really need to go away. And how do I do that? By sitting quietly and thinking about serenity and wisdom and the day that I will finally see my wife again when I leave here.
I just need to be quiet and still. Stay in my room as Pascal advised as means to avoid misery.
These unreasonable actions are coming from my lack of purpose in life and my abhorrence of living. I cannot change the reality that sucks. Because I cannot change the outer world, my only option is to change my inner world. The world I am living through my brain. I can change that though I would have to work really hard to do that.
What is so natural but I have been missing for the last one year since I resumed smoking is that my physical condition is closely related to, or even responsible for, my mental health. When I was smoke free, I thought and felt more confident than now, although I did not notice it at that time. A simple act of not smoking made me a better person both in terms of physical and mental health. Even the world I was living in was different from now. I was still lonely and gloomy often back then but I was standing on my feet firmly and was able to solve daily problems with good health and judgement. But these days, I can see myself really collapsing down in body and soul.
I just don't see me as a person who can manage a day's routine like working in the office and taking care of kids, tending household chores, and keeping my financial condition in order. Everything is falling apart.
I really want a change in my life. And that change is possible only if "I" initiate and keep it going. So, I am in a kind of dead-end or a vicious cycle. I am getting worse because I am acting worse. If I want to get better, I should act better. Everything is connected. My actions, my mind, my feelings, and my health and my family.
The first step is to stay away from the noise in my mind that makes me buying cigarettes, drinking recklessly, saying things unnecessary and stupid, and telling myself dark and depressing things. I need to and should tell my body and mind to be quiet and contemplative. All the petty worries and pessimistic stuffs that are rattling in my brain really need to go away. And how do I do that? By sitting quietly and thinking about serenity and wisdom and the day that I will finally see my wife again when I leave here.
I just need to be quiet and still. Stay in my room as Pascal advised as means to avoid misery.
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