April 2, 2013

She died on 2nd of May last year. Now it’s almost one year from her death. My health is getting worse everyday. Will I die before the day when she died comes again? I have burning sensation over my back and chest. Something could be wrong with my lungs. Or something wrong with my stomach and feed tube. I just don’t know. What I know is the passage of time has lost meaning to me. Growing old with my wife must have changed everything. Raising kids with her. Watching them grow. Making love to her at nights. Touching her soft body and kissing her lips. I will never have that again. The thought that I will have none of that in my life ever again, that she will not be in this world ever again. This thought is enough to take away all the meanings from my life.
I know I should stop smoking. But I bought cigarettes again today. This burning sensation gets stronger everyday. I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of pain, though. I have to live, not for me, but for my sons. If I die, they have no one to turn to.
To think about the years ahead of me that I have to spend alone until I die makes me feel wretched and miserable and deserted. I feel that everything is empty and meaningless.

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