I am sitting on a time bomb

Last night, I thought I would die because of short breath. It was so difficult to breathe in bed. I was thinking, then. This is it. I stop smoking today.

And I bought cigarettes again when I got to work. I am a hopeless case of weak will power. I tell myself again and again. “You should survive for your sons”. Then I pick up the pack and go out to smoke almost automatically.

It’s as if my mind wants to survive but my body wants to kill itself because it cannot bear loneliness.

My strong bet is I will go out again to smoke right after publishing this post.

Totally irrational…