Almost one year since Heesun is gone

I look ahead of me. Years, months or days to live alone. My health is getting worse everyday. I know that I cannot get her back. I know that she is not here or at least cannot contact me even if she still lives as a soul.

I had almost no reasons, justification for existence until she came into my life. Now that she is not around, I ask myself “what reasons do I have now for living?”

The answer is just one. My sons. But they need me until they grow up and can take care of themselves. It will be about 5 or 6 years. Maybe 10 years.

I don’t know if I can live that long. I don’t know whether my health will be good enough to stay around after 1 year from now.

She had to die in spite of everything I did to save her. Maybe it was her fate. Then, what about my fate? Everything I did was useless to save her. Now, everything I do to live until my kids grow up may be also useless. I could not change her fate. How can I expect that I can change my fate. Maybe I should just wait until God or whatever does his trick on me and has his own way.