It is about time I get sick of this lifestyle

I smoke. I drink. I try to get a woman. But nothing quenches my restless soul. 

Three years have passed since my wife died. However, I am still caught in the past. I do not take care of my health properly. I live like a man with no future. Maybe I am exactly that. A man without future and hope. 

I am always hungry for the touch of another human being. More correctly, a presence of a woman in my life who loves me like my wife did. And that is something that cannot happen, 

I am lost in this messed-up lifestyle. I need to do something to change myself. I need to find ways to have the peace of mind. I just need to change the direction of my life. If I go on like this, it is matter of time when I will collapse and make my kids orphans. 

Life fucked me. I should accept it. If I keep living like this, it will me and life that fuck me. I need to change everything in my life. I need to reinvent myself as a wholesome widower.