A night with wine and music
The time is 9:24 pm. I am listening to music on youtube. I found this trick last night. You search "music for wine" on youtube and there are lots of music that you could hear as if you are drinking in a decent bar.
I am listening to this very music while drinking wine. I was thinking of writing a post on other blogs. A post about books and music I loved. But somehow I just ended up on this blog. This blog is a sort of my public diary. It is online but virtually nobody visits here. So, I can write my monologue here without worrying much about who will read what I write.
I have been drinking outside with people for the last few years mostly because I was lonely. It did not end well. I spent too much money and lost my health. And it did not save me from the loneliness. No matter how long I stayed with others, I should come back to this room where I sit and sleep alone. It is no use trying to deceive myself that I can run away from loneliness. At the end of the day, I should face myself and my companion to the death, the loneliness.
A couple of days ago, a young woman in my office took my date of birth and told me about my fate. She said I am a kind of person who is meant to be alone. It is nothing new. I heard the same thing from many others who can read one's fortune based on a date of birth.
Since my wife died, I have been doing this unbeatable fight against loneliness. It could have been a wiser move if I simply had accepted my fate and stayed home rather than roaming around many nights outside and mingling with people.
My first idea was to write about music and books but that is not important. After all, I can write about anything at whim for the rest of my life because all I have is time alone.
My wife is a miracle for me. I anticipated loneliness as a condition that will last my whole life through even when I was just five years old. She suddenly came into my life and made feel that I was not alone and a member of a normal society. It was just a passing dream. My life with her. She just died and now I am alone again.
I have two sons, one in late teens and the other in early twenties. Though they are living under the same roof as me, I know they will leave when the time comes. When they leave, it will be many nights, too many to count, for me until I die. Of course, I could just die anytime soon because of an accident or a disease. Anyway, the only certainty I face at this moment is I have to go through many nights alone in my room.
There is something like an animal when I think about loneliness. A man living alone becomes something like an animal. A dog tied up to a pole. A man tied up to his room. Same loneliness. Same animals. He could read books and listen to music. But as he grows older and older, he looks like a stranded animal more and more.
A glass of wine and I feel like smoking again. I will smoke a cigarette though my body is getting unhealthy everyday. Because I don't know other way of consoling myself.
I have been drinking outside with people for the last few years mostly because I was lonely. It did not end well. I spent too much money and lost my health. And it did not save me from the loneliness. No matter how long I stayed with others, I should come back to this room where I sit and sleep alone. It is no use trying to deceive myself that I can run away from loneliness. At the end of the day, I should face myself and my companion to the death, the loneliness.
A couple of days ago, a young woman in my office took my date of birth and told me about my fate. She said I am a kind of person who is meant to be alone. It is nothing new. I heard the same thing from many others who can read one's fortune based on a date of birth.
Since my wife died, I have been doing this unbeatable fight against loneliness. It could have been a wiser move if I simply had accepted my fate and stayed home rather than roaming around many nights outside and mingling with people.
My first idea was to write about music and books but that is not important. After all, I can write about anything at whim for the rest of my life because all I have is time alone.
My wife is a miracle for me. I anticipated loneliness as a condition that will last my whole life through even when I was just five years old. She suddenly came into my life and made feel that I was not alone and a member of a normal society. It was just a passing dream. My life with her. She just died and now I am alone again.
I have two sons, one in late teens and the other in early twenties. Though they are living under the same roof as me, I know they will leave when the time comes. When they leave, it will be many nights, too many to count, for me until I die. Of course, I could just die anytime soon because of an accident or a disease. Anyway, the only certainty I face at this moment is I have to go through many nights alone in my room.
There is something like an animal when I think about loneliness. A man living alone becomes something like an animal. A dog tied up to a pole. A man tied up to his room. Same loneliness. Same animals. He could read books and listen to music. But as he grows older and older, he looks like a stranded animal more and more.
A glass of wine and I feel like smoking again. I will smoke a cigarette though my body is getting unhealthy everyday. Because I don't know other way of consoling myself.
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