A widower groping his way

Just like my wife during her days with cancer, I know nothing about my future. I may die tomorrow. Maybe after one year, or even after decades. I do not live in the same world that people are living in. I have nothing to hope for. I have nothing to wait for. I just live day by day just wanting this boring and empty life to end. I cannot put an end to this life with my hands because of my sons. I want to go to a remote place where I know nobody and vice versa. Nothing means anything to me. I become indifferent to my life everyday.  I become empty everyday.

I still remember my wife everyday. And I still smoke everyday. My life is still the same. It's quiet and lonely. I hope that I will see my wife again when I die.

I am losing it. Health. Hope. Sanity. Will to live. Everything. I wonder if I can come back to my sane self. To my senses. I need to stay calm and quiet. Far from the crowd. Far from the people. Far from my disoriented and lost self.

Smoking all the time. Drinking alcohols. Staying awake until 2 AM in my bed alone. I can't remember the last time I felt good and everything was OK. The memory of Heesun is getting dimmer and dimmer everyday though I cling to her memory.