A widower groping his way

I install okcupid and delete them over and over again. I see some kind-looking face and think of sending a message but give up soon enough. Five years of living as a loner have changed me. I realize that. I am hesitant about starting or even trying a new relationship. I just find myself not wanting to go into another woman's life. I almost always feel lonely but when a time comes to decide if I want to connect to a woman, I step back. I worry if starting something new will bring me more problems than soothing my soul. Regardless of whether I admit it or not, I am used to living alone. I still hate it. But I really got used to it. No wonder things have become like that, because I am talking about five years of staying alone still missing my wife. Somehow, I think living this lonely life might be better than meeting someone new. After all, I don't know what kind of headaches and problems might arise if I meet someone who is not as understanding as my dead wife. She really...

Weather is nice in June. The weather does not care how I feel. I remember old days when she was with me. Those days do not come back. I am alone. I am lost. I have been lost since many years ago. I do not know where I am going in time and space. I am just waiting for the end. The end of everything in time and space. I don't know just what I am waiting for. The reality is a bad joke for me. I just sit here and type words and the world does not care. I do not understand why I am here and what I am doing. I don't know what I am supposed to do for the rest of my life. I just do not know. I sold myself short to blind desire and impulse. I drift away in this world like a boat without a rudder. I do not know. I know nothing.