A widower groping his way

Got a terrible cold. And as always, I still smoke. It is like I totally give up the instinct of self preservation. This life is crazy.  While I was half asleep during the lunch hour, I remembered the time when I was making love to my wife. Her soft body. Her words. Her hands touching me. Things like that cannot come back.  I feel so separate from her. So distant and so lonely. I feel myself as a man with no hope. 

In the past it was 750 words. I typed the words and that would make me feel calm. I stopped the subscription for the online software long time ago. Now I have no outlet for expressing my despair, frustration and loneliness. I tried dating apps, several of them, but all of them were filled with fake profiles. I was stupid to believe that I could find a real person in those apps. You don't meet people there. It is simply impossible to find a woman who will love me like my wife used to. Everything that was good happened to me by coincidence or by chance. I did not choose her to be my wife. She simply showed up in my life and our lives were intertwined in a manner that we could not resist.  Now that she is out of my life at least on this plane of existence, I don't think I can reproduce what happened between her and me again.  For the last one year, I gave up my determination to quit smoking and lived aimlessly. Ironically, my motivation level was the highest when my wi...

One year after my wife died, I quit smoking because it was simply impossible to breathe normally. After quitting, I got better fast. I gained more weight, my legs and arms got thicker. My face looked better. I must have looked handsome too because women told me I looked great and even one woman hit on me. But I felt lonely during all the time. I felt miserable.  Here is an irony. When I felt the most miserable inside, I looked my best on the outside. After one year from quitting smoking, I resumed smoking. It was when I met my high school friends. Listening to their stories about their normal life made me realize what I lost and without a second thought, I found myself smoking again.  And it was like that since that time. I am still smoking though I lost more than 5 kilograms and look terrible everyday. I always decide not to smoke and any trigger - an image of a happy couple, a memory of my wife and me together, even a passing thought about my lonely death in the futur...

I sit alone in my room. I type this on my notebook computer. I had a glass of wine. Brahms' symphony no. 1 is coming out of the speaker.  I am alone in my room. My remaining life will be like this. I will be sitting in room alone, listening to classical music, thinking or writing things that do not make my life enjoyable.  I feel lonely. I do not know which one is true. Can I try to become happy and will I be happy in the future? Or is my life supposed to be shitty like this? I do not know.