750 words

In the past it was 750 words. I typed the words and that would make me feel calm. I stopped the subscription for the online software long time ago. Now I have no outlet for expressing my despair, frustration and loneliness. I tried dating apps, several of them, but all of them were filled with fake profiles. I was stupid to believe that I could find a real person in those apps. You don't meet people there. It is simply impossible to find a woman who will love me like my wife used to. Everything that was good happened to me by coincidence or by chance. I did not choose her to be my wife. She simply showed up in my life and our lives were intertwined in a manner that we could not resist. 

Now that she is out of my life at least on this plane of existence, I don't think I can reproduce what happened between her and me again. 

For the last one year, I gave up my determination to quit smoking and lived aimlessly. Ironically, my motivation level was the highest when my wife Heesun was sick with cancer. I fought like a mad dog against our fate. I failed. But at least I fought. These days, I am just watching my life falling apart one piece by one. I am like a house that is crumbling everywhere. I do not know how long I can live like this. I will be inflicted with a lung cancer or any other horrible disease and die. my sons will be orphans. They will curse their lives just like I cursed mine when my wife died. I do not want that kind of thing to happen to my boys. In this family, one person to suffer is enough and that should be me. I want my sons to lead a happy life. I want them to meet nice girls and make a happy family. I think my life is already messed up too much beyond any possibility of repair.