A widower groping his way

My life is like a movie that I watched too many times. It got boring. I wish I could erase my existence. I wish I could wipe away my existence like a dirt on a window glass. Of course, I can't do it. I have no joy in my life. I have nothing to expect except my death. If everything is already decided, there is no point in trying things. All I can do is to shut up and watch the boring movie again and again till my eyes pop out because of boredom.  I have been to Heesun's cemetery during the lunch time. I took a photo of my hand on the stone that covers her urn.  Taking things too seriously always make things really serious. That is what happened when I panicked about my wife's cancer. If I had taken a different view of things happening at that time, maybe I could have had a chance of saving her, although that was also very unlikely.  It is still valid for the rest of my life. If I took my life too seriously, it will become an unpleasant mess. If I took it just as a game

Heesun died on 2nd of May, 2012. Four years have passed. Nothing changed. I am still living in confusion and disillusionment. I still have not made peace with the world. I will not do it until I die and see her again, I guess.  I cannot shake away the feeling that I was left alone in this empty world. It would be better if I could leave this world right now, which I cannot do because of my sons.  What is there for me to do until I die? What needs to be done? Nothing really. Nothing at all.  When it is almost sunset, I can go up to a hill, sit on a chair and wait for the sun to set slowly and the night to come. Just like that, I can sit here in the office, lie down in the bed at home and wait for the sunset of my own life. And when that finally happens, I won't have to think about my boring and pathetic and unpleasant life after Heesun's death anymore. Just like I turn on a timer and see the time flows, I can wait and see until the time flows from my fingers like grains of

I smoke. I neglect my health. I say things stupid to people sometimes. My life is boring or maybe I am a boring person. Not much difference in that. I am sitting in the office. It is Friday. If I were still in the past, this would be a nice spring day. I would come home, hug my wife, have dinner with kids and wife, and I will make love to my wife. There is none of that in my life anymore. This evening, I will meet a woman of my age, a woman who is lonely and separated from her messy husband. We will have dinner and will go our separate ways.  This life is getting more and more like a boring movie that I watched too many times. Even my pattern of deteriorating life style is getting similar to such movie. I almost died of smoking too much and now I am doing it again.  Where am I headed living like this? What is going to happen?