A widower groping his way

I mean for me and my dead wife. We don't live together anymore but we can be in this blog together as memories. I change the theme of this blog as if we would choose a new furniture for our house together. She walked with me in spring like now. It was spring of 2009 and she was alive and with me.

“There is nothing in your exterior experience that did not originate within you.” If I can accept this sentence from “The Nature of Personality” by Seth, I can make peace with everything happened to me during last five years. Broken collarbone, wife’s cancer, my abortive effort to save her and her eventual death. If what Seth said is right, then, all the things happened because I invited them though it feels as if I never did that. To put it simply, my life became shitty because I have thought all along that life is supposed to be shitty. It is like that those misfortunes were guests I had invited but I just forgot that I had sent them invitations. Now that my life is a sunken ship, am I ready to change my thoughts to change my life? No. I feel anger toward the universe, God, or whatever, maybe myself and don’t care anymore. Because I have lost the center of my normal life, which was my wife. I have nothing to restore or recover. I am living in the rubble of what I used to have ...

I look at Heesun’s photo in which she and I are smiling together. It was two months before she was hospitalized because she became unable to eat. I miss her so much and I want to cry. No matter what I do, no matter what philosophy and theory I use, I cannot deny the fact that I am left alone.

The only view I can take that will guarantee a peace of mind for me is that this world is illusion. I met a woman, had children, she died and now I grow old alone. I have lost most of reasons to live. Moral and emotional obligation towards my kids to support them is what I have as only reason to continue this boring and disgusting existence. I can live with that. I see it as  punishment  for coming into this world. My life is a short pleasure and a long punishment. Simple like that.

집으로 오는 차안에서 봄을 느꼈다. 바람, 공기, 햇볕. 모두 봄이 왔다는 느낌을 강하게 준다. 희선은 봄에 죽었다. 희선이 병에 걸린 것을 알기 바로 한달 전 남산으로 소풍을 갔었다. 모든 것이 깨어지기 전의 평화였다. 그 마지막 4월이. 죽을 때까지, 영원히 봄에는 행복할 수 없을 거라는 생각을 한다.

I want to believe she is somewhere, she is looking at me everyday, she listens to me when I talk to her in my car on my way home every evening. I want to believe that she still exists though her body was cremated and nothing remains with me except some of her hair I gathered from her brush. I want to see her in my dream and in my successful astral projection in the future.

I just did not know that. My wife was young and healthy, kids were cute. And I was young. We had a future ahead of us. A future that did not materialize in a manner that we vaguely expected. A future where we would grow old together. A future where Heesun would see her sons getting married to good girls. A future where she and I would spend our later years together. The future did not come. Maybe it was not in the plan from the beginning. Things had to be this way all along from the beginning. We were on a train that was bound to hit the wall and everything, everyone on the train is shattered.