A widower groping his way

I kissed her for the first time on September 2013 at night. It was 24 years ago. Every year, September makes me feel sad because I remember the good time I had with her when we were a young couple meeting each other every night. 24 years from the kiss. 5 years from my wife's death. Now I am here alone. Smoking cigarettes and drinking my life away. Crumbling to the ground everyday little by little. I failed to save my wife from the monstrous cancer. I lost her. Now I am sick both in body and heart. Will I be able to save myself?

I install okcupid and delete them over and over again. I see some kind-looking face and think of sending a message but give up soon enough. Five years of living as a loner have changed me. I realize that. I am hesitant about starting or even trying a new relationship. I just find myself not wanting to go into another woman's life. I almost always feel lonely but when a time comes to decide if I want to connect to a woman, I step back. I worry if starting something new will bring me more problems than soothing my soul. Regardless of whether I admit it or not, I am used to living alone. I still hate it. But I really got used to it. No wonder things have become like that, because I am talking about five years of staying alone still missing my wife. Somehow, I think living this lonely life might be better than meeting someone new. After all, I don't know what kind of headaches and problems might arise if I meet someone who is not as understanding as my dead wife. She really...

Weather is nice in June. The weather does not care how I feel. I remember old days when she was with me. Those days do not come back. I am alone. I am lost. I have been lost since many years ago. I do not know where I am going in time and space. I am just waiting for the end. The end of everything in time and space. I don't know just what I am waiting for. The reality is a bad joke for me. I just sit here and type words and the world does not care. I do not understand why I am here and what I am doing. I don't know what I am supposed to do for the rest of my life. I just do not know. I sold myself short to blind desire and impulse. I drift away in this world like a boat without a rudder. I do not know. I know nothing.

Yes. That is the most important question because it is very likely that I will stay alone till I die. I find it highly unlikely that I will find a woman that I can love the way I loved my dead wife. It was such a rare case that I found a woman like her.  I grow old everyday and I give up more and more everyday the chance of meeting the right woman for me.  So, the question is this. Can I become a self-sufficient man who can enjoy himself without a woman? If I can make myself that kind of widower, I will be OK. If not, my life will not improve and I will not feel better.  How the hell you make friends with yourself by the way? 

five years ago, this day was one day before my wife died. I was at the lowest and the most miserable point of my life. things have changed. my sons were little kids then, now they are 19 and 17 years old. I am now 51 years old.  I hate spring. I hate May and June. I hate this time of the year. families are going out to enjoy their life. I am in my house remembering what my life was like before the shit storm struck my family.  I spend money on useless stuffs and drinking. It does not make me feel better at all.  no matter what I do, I can't get my life back. I can't get my wife back. life outside my life goes on as if nothing happened, as if my wife did not die. as if i did not become a widower.  there is nothing i can do to change my life into what it was before all of the things happened. that is what i have to accept.. the irreversible nature of time.  all the shitty arguments about the value of solitude are just that.. shitty.  I do not...

In two weeks, the 2nd of May will come. It is the very day on which my wife died after suffering pain and misery for three years because of the horrible brain cancer. I felt like dying all the time after my wife died and did not know how I would go through all the years in front of me as a widower with two sons. Now my two boys have grown up so much. My first boy is in his early twenties and second boy is in his late year of high schoool. They were just little kids when my wife got the cancer. Time is amazing thing. It blunts edges of the most acute pain and misery. Life just goes on no matter how wretched and lonely I feel when I am alone.  Another five years will pass and then I will become 56 years old man. After several rounds of the five-year period, I will be really old man and eventually die. There is nothing more certain than this inevitable passage of time and eventual end of my life. I will forget about all the follies and absurdity of this life and move on to the ...

It was while we were going out together steadily every week. She and me. Our typical routine was to meet on Saturday afternoon, have dinner, watch movie and go to a hotel. I don't remember the date but it must have been about a year since we had started to date. The movie was "wolf" where Jack Nicholson starred. In the middle of the movie, she asked me to get a coke and I said no. She did everything for me but I was simply lazy. She felt bad and we had a little fight. She suddenly left the movie and I did the same. We made up eventually on the same night but somehow I can't forget what an asshole I was then. It is one of the things that come to my mind and makes me regret. I will always regret what I did that night. I wish I could go back to the time and place and go right out of the seat and come back with a coke for her. If only I could go back in time..