A widower groping his way

Home alone. The world outside does not exist for me. It feels like that. I am the only person in the world. In this world of mine. In my room. Memories of my wife give me pain. It is me alone in this world. Alone in my room. It is a Sunday night.

Things changed and happened to me for the last two months. But I am still here caught in this planet of crazy monkeys. Why am I still here when my wife died seven years ago and I am always feeling that I am in the wrong place and time? Because I have no direction in my life. Because I have no mission to accomplish in this life. Whatever I do, I do it because of the law of inertia. I keep doing stupid and meaningless things in my life. I thought if I cut myself off from the outside world, I could find a meaning or a purpose in my life. I was wrong. As long as there is me, this thinking brain, in this world, the world will not be a different place. Unless I kill myself as an animal, a sick animal always thinking of, seeking a way out from this world, the world will be always the same. Maybe, the world has no problem. Just like nature has no problem. Animals and plants are out there enjoying their existence, just accepting what the world is. They make no plans. They don't worry abo

Heesun died on 2nd May of 2012. Now its more than 6 years ago. I am still caught in the memory of those dark days when she was on the verge of dying all the time and when I was crushed by the weight of her impending death. My life lost its normalcy then and it is still broken. I make no plan and even if I make one I smoke it away after three days. What kind of failure I have become. I curse the day that I was born. I hate myself for making a decision to come into this life. Letting go seems a solution but I can't stand such a life, either. What a horrible existence without hope and future.

a small change. like not touching and buying cigarettes at all. not entertaining gloomy thoughts in my head. not thinking and feeling sad memories of the past. thinking of happy and beautiful things. being kind and loving to myself for my failures. not being harsh to myself for my stupid mistakes. giving me lots of slacks for my stupidities. being kind to myself. 

almost the same as yesterday. been in the house all day long. Seungho played with his friends in his room. Jiho went out at 12 pm. played games. smoked cigarettes. ate meals. and now I am alone in the house again. (this break was for another smoking).  I can make a few changes for this year. I will stop smoking. More specifically, I will stop buying them.  I will stop trying to connect to people. I have done it for three years and it did not make me happy. I felt worse because the more I hang out with people, the more I realize what I lost. My wife. My past normal life.  What I miss cannot come back again. I want to be with my wife in bed. I want to touch her, embrace her, kiss her and make love to her. Not just any woman but only her.  It is just crazy that I was trying many ways, craiglist, tinder, okcupid, to find a woman that will fill the void left by my wife's death. They are not my wife. And I am not the same man who met my wife back in 1992, which was more than 2

If I don't change it, I will do the same thing as I did yesterday. I will go out and smoke every hour when the air is so dirty. I will play PS4 game all day long. I will just live like a zombie today. Just like yesterday. I need to change things. This is no fun. This not helping me at all. This does not make me feel good.  What already happened has happened. My wife, Heesun, died. I am expecting to live as a widower until the end of my life here in this dirty country. Nothing can change the past.  I can feel better if I accept everything as my only reality. There is no changing the fate. I should try to find small fun in this life with no way out. I should minimize every distraction in my life. I should speak less, do less, and live less. That will make this life endurable. I should go out less and stay home more. I should stay inside my room. That is the way I will live the new year.