This is funny

Isnt't this pathetic? After spending 43 years on this planet, I have no friend to have a drink after visiting my sick wife with pneumonia at the hospital. Among the few friends that I have, nobody has time to spend together with me. They are all busy with their normal life. I am alone at this cafe with my notebook and a bottle of beer in front of me.

From an objective viewpoint, I may be one the unluckiest human beings in the world. For the last four years, I had four surgeries - two for saliva stone and two for clavicle fracture. When I finally removed stitch from the last surgery, I found that my wife had one of the worst brain tumors the very next day. That is three months ago.

After that, my life has been a free fall without interruption. Anti-cancer drugs brought paralysis of right limbs, diabetes, and pneumonia to my wife. She is now in a critical condition of pneumonia with her life in danger. I said goodnight to my wife and now drinking beer in a pub.

My wife's disease made me a kind of amateur theologian. I keep thinking about the God. My conclusion is always the same. God does not exist or as a song says, he is sleeping on the job.

The concept of the absolute being in oriental philosophy, especially that of laotism has no conflict with human misery. He or it has no concern over pains of mankind. He just stays in the absolute realm and treat every beings in an equal manner.

On the contrary, christian God is God of love as portrayed by devout christians. But take a look at what is going on in this world. So much pain. Too many innocent people dying for no fault of their own. Kids with lethal cancer. ( I see them everyday in the hospital.) Love is simply no explanation for those dying little kids, let alone my good-natured and optimistic wife.

Of course, Christianity has good sales lead for that. God's mystical way of handling things! If you pray for your life and live, then it's God's merciful hand. If you do the same and drop dead, it's because God has another will that cannot be understood by mortals. How convenient...

It's like a store where you should always pay the money whether you get the service ordered or not. No wonder setting up a church is one of most lucrative businesses in Korea.

So what can I turn to when I think like this about God? Definitely no prayer. (but I must confess I often pray to God since my wife got the tumor. I feel too wretched not to do that). I should turn to much stronger power than God, which is the life as Casino. The life as Las Vegas.

When I played in a small casino in a small French town in 2000, I had a jackpot. I spent 40 dollars and got 1,000 dollars. Yeah, a moderate jackpot. But jackpot anyway.

More recently, my wife had a medical jackpot. anti-cancer drug she has had caused pneumonia. The probability for that is 1 to 5,000. A real, though unpleasant, jackpot.

When I broke my collarbone in 2007, it was while playing baseball with my kids and other boys in a countryside. For a person like me who detests every kind of sport, the probability for such incidence may be 1 to hundred thousand or million. But it happened.

What about probability for a person to undergo four surgeries and right after that  to find out his wife has the meanest brain tumor. Definitely a real negative jackpot.

Therefore, I think, now I deserve another jackpot of life, but positive one this time. Well.. just a wish, I admit. But do I have any other better options than this one?