the problem of my wife’s meaningless pain

What makes the disease Glioblastoma horrible is that it destroys the mind of the patient. For 19 months from October 2010 to May 2012, I had to watch the process in which my wife gradually lost her mind and finally what was left from her was just an empty and sick body.

If only I could have talked with her until her last day, if I could have told her how much I loved her, I would not have felt so desperate and deserted.

Whenever I see my wife’s photos taken during the period, I think about what she must have felt, or not felt, as her mind was getting dimmer and dimmer. Her loneliness, helplessness, feeling of being cut away from her family and friends. I cannot watch those photos for more than a few seconds, because it is too painful experience. All the miserable thoughts and feelings come pouring into my brain.

Why did she have to die such a miserable and degrading death that only the worst kinds of criminals would deserve? All the books on God, afterlife and meaning of life just become bullshits when I think about her painful life until the death. Nothing, as long as I reason as a human living in this world, cannot justify the pain. Even if my wife now made peace with her death in heaven, I cannot accept the meaningless pain.