The biggest change her death brought to me

The biggest change in my life that my wife’s death brought about is that I cannot take this life seriously anymore.

She was a good woman, did nothing bad to anybody. And she died of horrible disease and never had a chance to say goodbye to me because the brain tumor robbed her of ability to reason and speak.

It was a kind of big scam that was committed to her and me and my kids. The scam was committed by the life itself. The universe itself.

I always feel disgusted at such injustice. Everything can happen and it my case it was every shit that happened.

Why did she have to go through such a pain? Nobody or nothing can answer that question in this world. This is a disgusting world.

In the novel, “Karamazov’s brothers”, there is a part where one of the protagonists says that he refuses an entry to the paradise because God allows a situation where a small child of a feudal slave is torn apart by wild dogs released by a lord just because the boy slightly hurt one of his animals.

Even if the boy and the lord are resurrected and make peace in heaven, I cannot find a meaning of or justification for the pain the boy had to suffer. This is what the hero says.

I feel the same about my wife’s death. I also feel that way for countless deaths of innocent children that are happening right now in every corner of the world.

One single undeserved death of an innocent person is the strongest accusation against the existence of the so-called omnipotent and loving God. It is an accusation against the meaning of existence.

But Christians and optimists don’t feel that way. They always have convenient explanations for everything.