Thoughts on a Tuesday
When my wife died, I lost all the hope about the world. For people outside, I may look like leading a normal life. But I am not. My world that I had before my wife got cancer and died has been erased beyond recognition. I am not living in the same world anymore.
I smoke repeatedly though I know my body is not in a proper condition. I have difficulty in breathing every morning when I wake up. Back in the spring of 2013, I had a similar problem and I quit at that time for about one year. This time, I seem to not able to draw the same determination as I did back then. What has changed since the last time I quit? I don’t know for sure. Maybe, I really have no desire to live anymore. Maybe I am really sick and tired of this thing called living.
I feel lonely all the time. I feel I am alienated from the normal world. My world is so empty. I want to have someone in my bed at night. I want to hug and be hugged by someone. I want to kiss someone. The problem is that someone is not anybody but should be my wife who died three years ago. If my life is a kind of computer, I just want to turn it off right now. I am tired of living this way. This world is a place that is too unfamiliar and distant to me. I always felt a certain heartless and cold hostility coming from the world to me. It was not about people but about the world itself. When Heesun was with me, I did not feel that hostility. I was able to ignore it. Now that she is not here, I almost always feel it. I often sense the feeling of futility of living at all.
I don’t know anything about my future. My wife did not know about her death, either. It just came to us when we had no anticipation. It just came like a thief at night.
Will there come a time when I can stand a life style of living totally alone with no interaction whatsoever with other people? A life in which I expect nobody to come to me and I do not communicate with other people. A life in which I am just living by myself. A life where I am a self-sufficient widower. A man with no woman. A lonely man who just waits quietly for his life to end.
I have nothing important to do in my life. I can just sit still and watch the time to run its course until this stupid and meaningless show ends for me. It was really stupid and cruel show for me and my wife. It looked as if we could spend long years together until we get old and die. In a moment, everything turned into a nightmare. A woman who had to go through too much pain and finally became a vegetable and died without being able to say last words to her husband. A man who had to take care of his wife alone with no hope of saving her and finally became a lonely widower.
Where do I go from here? A life like a shattered rumble of a once-normal house. First things first. I do not buy or touch a cigarette anymore. I clean my house. I stop reacting to my desire, my hunger for socializing with people, my feeling of loneliness. And then what?
The answer cannot come from the outside. It should come from within. Or maybe there is no answer at all. I may have to just sit still and wait for the end to knock on my door. I am just here and nobody cares about me the way my wife cared about me. She loved me. Nobody wants and loves me the way she did. The world I knew is gone. I am alone.
I smoke repeatedly though I know my body is not in a proper condition. I have difficulty in breathing every morning when I wake up. Back in the spring of 2013, I had a similar problem and I quit at that time for about one year. This time, I seem to not able to draw the same determination as I did back then. What has changed since the last time I quit? I don’t know for sure. Maybe, I really have no desire to live anymore. Maybe I am really sick and tired of this thing called living.
I feel lonely all the time. I feel I am alienated from the normal world. My world is so empty. I want to have someone in my bed at night. I want to hug and be hugged by someone. I want to kiss someone. The problem is that someone is not anybody but should be my wife who died three years ago. If my life is a kind of computer, I just want to turn it off right now. I am tired of living this way. This world is a place that is too unfamiliar and distant to me. I always felt a certain heartless and cold hostility coming from the world to me. It was not about people but about the world itself. When Heesun was with me, I did not feel that hostility. I was able to ignore it. Now that she is not here, I almost always feel it. I often sense the feeling of futility of living at all.
I don’t know anything about my future. My wife did not know about her death, either. It just came to us when we had no anticipation. It just came like a thief at night.
Will there come a time when I can stand a life style of living totally alone with no interaction whatsoever with other people? A life in which I expect nobody to come to me and I do not communicate with other people. A life in which I am just living by myself. A life where I am a self-sufficient widower. A man with no woman. A lonely man who just waits quietly for his life to end.
I have nothing important to do in my life. I can just sit still and watch the time to run its course until this stupid and meaningless show ends for me. It was really stupid and cruel show for me and my wife. It looked as if we could spend long years together until we get old and die. In a moment, everything turned into a nightmare. A woman who had to go through too much pain and finally became a vegetable and died without being able to say last words to her husband. A man who had to take care of his wife alone with no hope of saving her and finally became a lonely widower.
Where do I go from here? A life like a shattered rumble of a once-normal house. First things first. I do not buy or touch a cigarette anymore. I clean my house. I stop reacting to my desire, my hunger for socializing with people, my feeling of loneliness. And then what?
The answer cannot come from the outside. It should come from within. Or maybe there is no answer at all. I may have to just sit still and wait for the end to knock on my door. I am just here and nobody cares about me the way my wife cared about me. She loved me. Nobody wants and loves me the way she did. The world I knew is gone. I am alone.
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