Living alone

 

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My wife heesun died on May 2nd, 2012 at 12:05 pm. My attempt to cure her of glioblastoma was a big fat failure. Or I might say, I had a success in prolonging her life up to 34 months with unsuccessful surgery, interrupted chemo and radiation and numerous supplements. But her quality of life during the last 20 months was so bad that I hesitate to call what we had a success.  Anyway, now is the time for me to move on just like my wife did. Since my wife died, I turned my focus on to different topics. They are near-death experience and quantum physics. I want to understand the reality behind what happened to us and what she would have from the moment she left me. One recent realization that I had is time may not flow and all the past moments simply exist forever as they were in the time-space continuum in the universe. That means I can still love my wife in the past because she still exists in the frozen "presents" that are scattered in the whole continuum.
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God, are you there?

Wife was hospitalized again for a pulmonary disease that doctors here cannot identify in spite of several tests. She will go through tissue test tomorrow evening. Ironically, she is getting worse than before coming to the hospital due to unsucessful tests. Not knowing how long she has to live as MRI is on September 11, I really want to avoid tests for her. But doctors fail to make life easier for me and my wife. Staying in the hospital from this Tuesday, I read Dawkin's God Delusion. The message of the book is gloomy but truthful. There is no God in the heaven that will hear a prayer made by one person in this planet among the vast universe. I only believe in chance. Prayers, tears, crying out loud to the sky will not save my wife. Only probability, chance, and factors beyond my understanding will make a miracle. In a word, a great lottery of life will save her. I pray to the God of chance.
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sick of living like this

Heesun died on 2nd May of 2012. Now its more than 6 years ago. I am still caught in the memory of those dark days when she was on the verge of dying all the time and when I was crushed by the weight of her impending death. My life lost its normalcy then and it is still broken. I make no plan and even if I make one I smoke it away after three days. What kind of failure I have become. I curse the day that I was born. I hate myself for making a decision to come into this life. Letting go seems a solution but I can't stand such a life, either. What a horrible existence without hope and future.
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