Living alone

 

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My wife heesun died on May 2nd, 2012 at 12:05 pm. My attempt to cure her of glioblastoma was a big fat failure. Or I might say, I had a success in prolonging her life up to 34 months with unsuccessful surgery, interrupted chemo and radiation and numerous supplements. But her quality of life during the last 20 months was so bad that I hesitate to call what we had a success.  Anyway, now is the time for me to move on just like my wife did. Since my wife died, I turned my focus on to different topics. They are near-death experience and quantum physics. I want to understand the reality behind what happened to us and what she would have from the moment she left me. One recent realization that I had is time may not flow and all the past moments simply exist forever as they were in the time-space continuum in the universe. That means I can still love my wife in the past because she still exists in the frozen "presents" that are scattered in the whole continuum.
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God, are you there?

Wife was hospitalized again for a pulmonary disease that doctors here cannot identify in spite of several tests. She will go through tissue test tomorrow evening. Ironically, she is getting worse than before coming to the hospital due to unsucessful tests. Not knowing how long she has to live as MRI is on September 11, I really want to avoid tests for her. But doctors fail to make life easier for me and my wife. Staying in the hospital from this Tuesday, I read Dawkin's God Delusion. The message of the book is gloomy but truthful. There is no God in the heaven that will hear a prayer made by one person in this planet among the vast universe. I only believe in chance. Prayers, tears, crying out loud to the sky will not save my wife. Only probability, chance, and factors beyond my understanding will make a miracle. In a word, a great lottery of life will save her. I pray to the God of chance.
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A disease destroys the whole family

What I realize every single day since my wife fell ill is that a disease not only kills the patient alone but the whole family members and relations among them on a mental level. My wife who used to be mild and easy-going is not like that anymore. She is easily irritated about small things and throw unkind remarks to me more often than before. It hurts me and makes me mad, but I know that she cannot help it. It's the disease inside her, not her own self. My kids cannot have dinner with me and my wife anymore as I have to take her every weekday night to the hospital for radioactive therapy. A kind neighbor takes care of my kid for dinner. A decent dinner where me and my wife used to have with kids seems like a history. Relationship among parents and children is also being slowly damaged. As I am tired almost all the time, I get mad towards kids for small disobedience that I used to neglect before my wife got ill. Also my wife does the same. Kids are getting perplexed about change...
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