January 17, 2017

First thing, first.

Please stop smoking. Quit it. This unhealthy habit is physically and mentally destroying you. It is like trying to run with heave bags of sand tied to each of your legs. So counterproductive. So stupid.

Accept the reality that you will stay a lone widower long time, very likely until you die. So, the point is not whether you can find someone who will make your life less miserable. It is whether you can make your life bearable by making your body and mind healthier and resistant to gloomy thoughts and feelings.

If you think about it, it is so simple and also stupid. You are already always tired and find no joy in your life. Smoking just makes things worse. But you still do that. It is not even like that you can smoke yourself to death. It surprises you that you have been doing this stupid shit for so long.

First things, first.

I should quit smoking before I even try any other things to feel better. As long as I do not break free from this vicious cycle of smoking, feeling blue and weak, smoking again to forget about such feelings and doing it all over again.

I may have to look squarely into my pathetic and lonely life if I get a clear head by not smoking. But that will be better than how I live these days. Getting tired and skinnier everyday by smoking. Wasting my time away by going out to smoke both at work and at home. When I can be so lazy about other things, why am I so persistent about this smoking habit? I really don't know why.

I can quit smoking. I can quit meeting people. I can just stay in my room. I can cut my connections, if any, to the outside world. I can erase myself from the society.

I can do better than this. I did it two years ago. I can do it again.