A widower groping his way

what have I done to suffer this kind of life? was I that bad person? why did my wife have to die? why

I realize that it is impossible for human to keep fixating over an idea for ever. For me, the most haunting idea for the last twelve months was that Heesun has left me for good at least in this life. As days go by, it’s becoming less often that I remember all the painful memories of Heesun losing her mind and bodily functions and my miserable feelings watching her slowly dying. Those memories will not leave forever, I know. I will always look at my empty bed at night where she and I would make love. But I am becoming rather insensitive than before and getting used to the reality that now it’s only me in this world.

I had a stupid car accident yesterday. It was my stupid mistake. I have to pay about 200,000 KRW even if I am covered by insurance. I am getting increasingly absent-minded these days. Because my car is in a repair center now, I had to take a bus this morning. Right now, I am on the subway home. This makes me tired, using mass transportation. I am writing this post on iPhone using Poster app, while listening to an audiobook called “bright lights, big city”. I listen to the book to take my less than satisfactory level of English to a higher level. I don’t know how long I have to live. 30 years, 3 years, or 3 months. But one thing certain is I have nothing impending or highly meaningful now that Heesun is not here. I can learn all major European languages, learn to play piano and violin. Or even other crazy and unthinkable things. But nothing changes the picture in which I will be a man sleeping in his bed alone every night. I JUST DON’T CARE. By the way, I should do this shi...

May 2nd was the day my wife died last year. Definitely I cannot say I overcame the sense of loss and despair that has been with me for the last one year. But I think less and less about my misery. After all, what has happened happened. I will not touch my wife’s plump thigh while driving or hug her from behind while she’s doing the dishes. I will never have her again until I die. And even the possibility that I will meet her again after I die is dubious. I read many books on after life. All they say are plausible but not a direct experience for me. I am getting used to the reality that I should live a life where there is no woman I love and make love to. Last night, I played Tombraider game on PS3. Watching the nice body of Lara Croft and her doing fantastic action moves gave me a strange kind of pleasure. Here is a woman, a young, beautiful and healthy woman with a strong character and power. And I can move her body the way I want. It was a weird combination of voyeurism and...

Last night, I thought I would die because of short breath. It was so difficult to breathe in bed. I was thinking, then. This is it. I stop smoking today. And I bought cigarettes again when I got to work. I am a hopeless case of weak will power. I tell myself again and again. “You should survive for your sons”. Then I pick up the pack and go out to smoke almost automatically. It’s as if my mind wants to survive but my body wants to kill itself because it cannot bear loneliness. My strong bet is I will go out again to smoke right after publishing this post. Totally irrational…

I look ahead of me. Years, months or days to live alone. My health is getting worse everyday. I know that I cannot get her back. I know that she is not here or at least cannot contact me even if she still lives as a soul. I had almost no reasons, justification for existence until she came into my life. Now that she is not around, I ask myself “what reasons do I have now for living?” The answer is just one. My sons. But they need me until they grow up and can take care of themselves. It will be about 5 or 6 years. Maybe 10 years. I don’t know if I can live that long. I don’t know whether my health will be good enough to stay around after 1 year from now. She had to die in spite of everything I did to save her. Maybe it was her fate. Then, what about my fate? Everything I did was useless to save her. Now, everything I do to live until my kids grow up may be also useless. I could not change her fate. How can I expect that I can change my fate. Maybe I should just wait until God o...

I keep smoking. I throw cigarettes and buy them again. I am afraid of the future. I have lost direction in my life. I am sad and tired and sick. I am listening to Chopin’s concerto No.2. It’s 4 pm Sunday.