I think I am getting used to this

May 2nd was the day my wife died last year. Definitely I cannot say I overcame the sense of loss and despair that has been with me for the last one year. But I think less and less about my misery.

After all, what has happened happened. I will not touch my wife’s plump thigh while driving or hug her from behind while she’s doing the dishes. I will never have her again until I die. And even the possibility that I will meet her again after I die is dubious. I read many books on after life. All they say are plausible but not a direct experience for me.

I am getting used to the reality that I should live a life where there is no woman I love and make love to.

Last night, I played Tombraider game on PS3. Watching the nice body of Lara Croft and her doing fantastic action moves gave me a strange kind of pleasure. Here is a woman, a young, beautiful and healthy woman with a strong character and power. And I can move her body the way I want. It was a weird combination of voyeurism and innocent gameplay. In reality, a girl like that will not come into my life never ever. But in game, I can at least see her.

This may sound a bit sick. But maybe this is the best I can get as a nerdy widower.