I hated my life even before all of this happened

When I think about it, it seems I hated my life even before my wife died in May 2012 because of glioblastoma. Glioblastoma is not a name of an alien life-form. It is a horrible brain cancer that kills 80% of the patients within 1 year.

I did my best, though I sometime faltered because it was too hard to serve as the only caretaker for my wife, for the three year period from 2009 to 2012, to save my wife. I failed. She died. My life sucked the very moment I found out she had the cancer and it still sucks.

Why I hated my life before all this happened? I used to tell my mother in my teens. “If you had asked me if I want to come out to this world before you gave birth to me, I must have said NO.” My mother’s typical response to this ungrateful remark was “You, son of a bitch.”

Anyway, the point is I was a pessimist since I was a boy. And my life turned to the direction that made me more and more of pessimist.

The only thing that made my life meaningful was my wife. She was a down-to-earth good-natured woman with kind eyes and plump cheeks and ass. She was more understanding and more patient to me than my real mother. Now she’s gone.

All I have left now is my ailing body that had to go through three years of care-taking and bread-earning and now is almost at the point of breakdown, and my two teenager sons. I have a job that pays quite well compared to my daily required work but will not guarantee happy and stable life after retirement.

I am 46 years old and working for a job that has nothing to do with technology. But my house is littered with many tablets, PDAs, gadgets, Mac and Window computers and my main pastime is to read IT-related blogs and news. I am a nerdy widower.

I built more than 40 blogs for the last 4 years and tried to make money. Of course, I failed like I did with my wife’s disease.

The words “Nerdy Widower” captures the essence of my existence. A guy left with junk of gadgets with no one beside him. That’s me.

My health is getting worse everyday. I was not healthy before my wife got the cancer. For three years, I ran down my body, already faltering machine, everyday to its maximum capacity. Now, the body is taking revenge. I have a serous gastritis and difficulty in breathing (because I also smoked like hell for the whole period).

These days, my typical response to my problems in life is “What the hell..”. If only my wife was here, I would not feel so empty and meaningless. Now there is no one to hear.

A good thing about blogging is you can say whatever you want and because it is like shouting in the big square, you can have the pleasure of speaking it and remaining anonymous. In the wide sea of Internet, my voice will be just washed away.