A widower groping his way

Everyday, I fall and hate myself for not being strong. I don't know where I am headed to in this life of a lonely widower.  I have no plan, no purpose, no objective. Time passes and I have days or years to live before I meet my wife again.  I try to lie to myself that things will be OK but I know I have no real answer. Everything was for real and suddenly my life became something I don't find any logic or reasons behind it.  Now I don't even know if I want to keep going or just hang myself. If only there is a sign that she is watching over me and wanting me to change my life for the better.  I lost my way. I lost my life. I lost myself. 

희선의 옛날 사진, 동영상 하나를 보는 것으로 충분하다. 죽고 싶은 생각이 들기 위해서는. 삶의 허무함을 바로 느끼게 된다. 내가 하고 있는 모든 일의 헛됨을 느끼는 데에도 충분하다.  둘 중에 하나다. 지금 바로 죽어버리거나, 죽을 때까지 기다리거나. 나에게는 이 둘 밖에는 선택권이 없다. 

When my wife died, I lost all the hope about the world.  For people outside, I may look like leading a normal life. But I am not. My world that I had before my wife got cancer and died has been erased beyond recognition. I am not living in the same world anymore.  I smoke repeatedly though I know my body is not in a proper condition. I have difficulty in breathing every morning when I wake up. Back in the spring of 2013, I had a similar problem and I quit at that time for about one year. This time, I seem to not able to draw the same determination as I did back then. What has changed since the last time I quit? I don’t know for sure. Maybe, I really have no desire to live anymore. Maybe I am really sick and tired of this thing called living.  I feel lonely all the time. I feel I am alienated from the normal world. My world is so empty. I want to have someone in my bed at night. I want to hug and be hugged by someone. I want to kiss someone. The problem is that someon...

이 지겨운 인생도 언젠가는 끝난다. 나는 영원히 살지는 않는다. 이 세상에서. 이 육체도 언젠가는 작동을 중단하고 쓰러질 것이다. 버려진 차처럼. 나는 이 세상에서 빠져나갈 것이다. 언젠가는. 모든 것이 끝날 것이다. 나의 육체가 무너지는 순간, 이 세상도 사라질 것이다. 나에게는. 나의 의식을, 존재를 지우개로 지워버릴 수 있다면 좋겠다. 모든 것을 잊어버릴 수 있게. 내가 존재했다는 사실 조차 지워버릴 수 있다면 좋겠다. 세상을 지워버리고 싶다. 모든 것을. 모든 것을.

I was healthy in the summer of 2013.  I almost died in the summer of 2012 after my wife died in May of the same year. I lost weight down to 52 kilograms. I had difficultly in breathing due to excessive smoking. I had to stop smoking. So, I stopped. After a couple of months, I got better. I gained weight. I weighed more than 64 kilograms. My thighs and chests got bigger. I felt good physically, though inside I felt miserable all the same.  I met no people. I came from work and stayed home everyday doing the household chores. I was like a housewife and a husband in one body. I was lonely and thought about death all the time. My wife's death and my own death.  Ironically, I was in a better shape when my thoughts were the darkest one and now I have more social life than in 2013 but my condition is the worst ever.  Maybe, a lifestyle of a hermit is the best one for my health. Maybe I should shut down the door to the outside world and stick to my own self l...

Life goes on though I am left alone here. I wake up every morning, go to work, stay in the office, waste my life there, drive home, eat dinner, play video games, and sleep and I wake up and I go to work and. The only consolation I have is this stupid cycle will eventually come to an end though I don’t know when. Then, I won’t have to be here in this world and will see my wife. I will not come back. At least I think so at this moment, in this life.

I meet people and drink. I smoke cigarettes. If I dump them, I borrow them from people. I get weaker and sick everyday. I know I am going into a wrong and hopeless direction. The end of this road will be my death and my sons as orphans.  These unreasonable actions are coming from my lack of purpose in life and my abhorrence of living. I cannot change the reality that sucks. Because I cannot change the outer world, my only option is to change my inner world. The world I am living through my brain. I can change that though I would have to work really hard to do that.  What is so natural but I have been missing for the last one year since I resumed smoking is that my physical condition is closely related to, or even responsible for, my mental health. When I was smoke free, I thought and felt more confident than now, although I did not notice it at that time. A simple act of not smoking made me a better person both in terms of physical and mental health. Even the world I was l...