Acceptance

No matter how hard I try to deny that, a moment will come that I realize this is the only kind of life I have. No matter how strongly and loudly I say "My life sucks.", this is all I have.

She does not come back. I can see her face only through photos. I cannot hug and touch her anymore in this life. I grow older every single day. I become an old man. If I don't behave, I will also become a dirty old man.

The movie title "There is no country for the old" rings so true. The misery I feel stems from the simple fact that I think I am still young when it is not true at all. I will turn 50 next year.

From that age, death can fall upon me anytime soon. I might fall sick, I might die of any terminal disease, and very possibly, I might live but will feel as if I am dead already.

I may feel, at least, better if I accept my life as it is. A widower's life. A grain of sand in the middle of a hourglass that can break anytime. When I was in the middle of fight against Heesun's cancer, I consoled myself by imagining myself exactly as that. A grain of sand in the hourglass. I just had to wait for things to follow their due course. There was nothing I could do other than fighting and waiting without knowing the future.

I may console myself again using the same trick, by picturing myself as a grain in the hourglass, which this time can break anytime. Committing myself to the fate without any wish, hope, or will to fight. Accepting the life as it is. Saying the mantra to myself over and over again. This life is yours. This silly and shitty life is yours. There is no other life. Accept it. Embrace it.