Emotional constipation

Since I found out my wife had a terminal brain cancer in May 2009, I cried four times. Once with my mother and once with my father. It is not like I am close to my parents. Maybe it is because of instinct. Third time I cried was on my way home in the bus after the funeral. I was watching my wife's picture in the frame that I held. Suddenly, tears dropped from my eyes. The last time I cried was one day after funeral. I was home alone and watching text message my wife sent to me on our wedding anniversary in the year 2010.

At the deathbed of my wife, I did not cry. During the funeral, I did not cry. Even the four times I cried, each of them was not longer than 5 minutes. I think less than 5 minutes is not enough to flush away what is inside of me. Something must be stuck inside of me. It must have been there for a long time, maybe it has been there for the last 5 years all along. If I could cry my heart out, I might feel better and have a kind of closure. This emotional constipation may be the reason why I feel almost always miserable. Maybe it is not constipation. Maybe there is nothing left inside of me. Maybe I am just empty.