A widower groping his way

almost the same as yesterday. been in the house all day long. Seungho played with his friends in his room. Jiho went out at 12 pm. played games. smoked cigarettes. ate meals. and now I am alone in the house again. (this break was for another smoking).  I can make a few changes for this year. I will stop smoking. More specifically, I will stop buying them.  I will stop trying to connect to people. I have done it for three years and it did not make me happy. I felt worse because the more I hang out with people, the more I realize what I lost. My wife. My past normal life.  What I miss cannot come back again. I want to be with my wife in bed. I want to touch her, embrace her, kiss her and make love to her. Not just any woman but only her.  It is just crazy that I was trying many ways, craiglist, tinder, okcupid, to find a woman that will fill the void left by my wife's death. They are not my wife. And I am not the same man who met my wife back in 1992, which ...

If I don't change it, I will do the same thing as I did yesterday. I will go out and smoke every hour when the air is so dirty. I will play PS4 game all day long. I will just live like a zombie today. Just like yesterday. I need to change things. This is no fun. This not helping me at all. This does not make me feel good.  What already happened has happened. My wife, Heesun, died. I am expecting to live as a widower until the end of my life here in this dirty country. Nothing can change the past.  I can feel better if I accept everything as my only reality. There is no changing the fate. I should try to find small fun in this life with no way out. I should minimize every distraction in my life. I should speak less, do less, and live less. That will make this life endurable. I should go out less and stay home more. I should stay inside my room. That is the way I will live the new year. 

Christmas. New Year. Lovers get together and have a good time. They walk in the snow covered street. Not for me.  I always hated December since my wife died and this year is not an exception. I got weaker, sicker and gloomy more than any year before. I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas in the bed alone while kids were out to play or do the part-time job.  I was alone and it was a prelude of what to come after 10 years from now. I will be lying in the bed during holidays. No doubt. If I don't die until then, I will be in my bed as if I am already dead. Who cares? I don't care. This was how my life was meant to be. My final destination. My wife, Heesun, was just a detour. She stopped for a while my life not to be like this but it was too difficult a task for her. So she died with cancer. And I am back to square one. My real life. A life lived alone in the bed. 

The time is 9:24 pm. I am listening to music on youtube. I found this trick last night. You search "music for wine" on youtube and there are lots of music that you could hear as if you are drinking in a decent bar.  I am listening to this very music while drinking wine. I was thinking of writing a post on other blogs. A post about books and music I loved. But somehow I just ended up on this blog. This blog is a sort of my public diary. It is online but virtually nobody visits here. So, I can write my monologue here without worrying much about who will read what I write.  I have been drinking outside with people for the last few years mostly because I was lonely. It did not end well. I spent too much money and lost my health. And it did not save me from the loneliness. No matter how long I stayed with others, I should come back to this room where I sit and sleep alone. It is no use trying to deceive myself that I can run away from loneliness. At the end of the day, ...

Long holidays. And it still did not end. I still have four days ahead before the end of the holidays. I do not know what I should or would do. ... And now I am on the 17th days of October. It seems to my gloomy existence will not let up any day sooner. Five years passed and I am still lost in my life. My wife died and I am lost. Things do not get better. I have no idea where I am going to. I am tired of living. I want to stop everything including living day by day.

I kissed her for the first time on September 2013 at night. It was 24 years ago. Every year, September makes me feel sad because I remember the good time I had with her when we were a young couple meeting each other every night. 24 years from the kiss. 5 years from my wife's death. Now I am here alone. Smoking cigarettes and drinking my life away. Crumbling to the ground everyday little by little. I failed to save my wife from the monstrous cancer. I lost her. Now I am sick both in body and heart. Will I be able to save myself?

I install okcupid and delete them over and over again. I see some kind-looking face and think of sending a message but give up soon enough. Five years of living as a loner have changed me. I realize that. I am hesitant about starting or even trying a new relationship. I just find myself not wanting to go into another woman's life. I almost always feel lonely but when a time comes to decide if I want to connect to a woman, I step back. I worry if starting something new will bring me more problems than soothing my soul. Regardless of whether I admit it or not, I am used to living alone. I still hate it. But I really got used to it. No wonder things have become like that, because I am talking about five years of staying alone still missing my wife. Somehow, I think living this lonely life might be better than meeting someone new. After all, I don't know what kind of headaches and problems might arise if I meet someone who is not as understanding as my dead wife. She really...