Standing ahead of the long holidays

When my wife, Heesun, died on May 2, 2012, I lost a center of my personal universe. I became a kind of spineless animal. In the past, I considered myself a self-sufficient being. Everything was in a proper place. The world was routinized and familiar. Now, it is not like that anymore.

For a one whole year, I did not smoke. Since three months ago, I smoke sporadically. Why do I do this? I know that once I smoke I can't stop. I don't feel good after smoking. But I do it over and over again. Do I want to kill myself? Maybe. Do I hate keep on living when Heesun is gone? Maybe.

Maybe I have been hiding my wish even from myself. What I want to do is to die. I am sick of being left alone in this unfamiliar world. The world I had disappeared when Heesun died.