월요일 아침
아들들이 성인이 되기 전에 내가 죽지 않는다면, 그래서 가사의 책임에서 벗어날 수 있다면 지금과는 다른 세상이 열릴 것이다.
그때가 되면 죽음을 앞당길 수도 있고, 다른 나라를 보러 갈 수도 있다. 지금은 세상이란 것 자체에 정이 떨어졌지만, 그때가 되면 다를 수도 있다. 그러나 가장 중요한 것은 그때가 오지 않을 수도 있다는 점이다. 희선에게 그런 일이 벌어진 것처럼.
무슨 상관인가.
God, are you there?
Wife was hospitalized again for a pulmonary disease that doctors here cannot identify in spite of several tests. She will go through tissue test tomorrow evening. Ironically, she is getting worse than before coming to the hospital due to unsucessful tests. Not knowing how long she has to live as MRI is on September 11, I really want to avoid tests for her. But doctors fail to make life easier for me and my wife. Staying in the hospital from this Tuesday, I read Dawkin's God Delusion. The message of the book is gloomy but truthful. There is no God in the heaven that will hear a prayer made by one person in this planet among the vast universe. I only believe in chance. Prayers, tears, crying out loud to the sky will not save my wife. Only probability, chance, and factors beyond my understanding will make a miracle. In a word, a great lottery of life will save her. I pray to the God of chance.
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