Everything is in a mess

Still smoking. Not working out. Reading books that are not related to each other from time to time. Always feeling tired and hazy. Visited wife's cemetery. Smoking again. Trying to do some work but stopping soon. Smoking again. Can't get myself to something meaningful, something worth striving for. Tired of existing. Tired of living. Wishing that everything were a nightmare from which I can wake up in a snap. Gotta do something to change things. But what is that thing? What is it? How can I change my life? How can I end my life?

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