Monday night

If this life I am in is what I planned just like many books on afterlife are saying, then what kind of person was I to plan this kind of lonely life for myself?

And why did I feel even from early days when I was a small boy that there was something wrong about this thing called life? It has been very rare that I felt what I could call “joie de vivre” in my life. I cannot remember any moment that I said to myself things like “life is good”.

Maybe I did not want to be born at all. My mother told me she had terrible morning sickness all the time when she had me. Maybe even then I was regretting my decision to come into this world.

Wherever or whenever I was, I can say thing one thing for sure about me. I always felt that I don’t belong to the place or the time where I found myself in.

Heesun made me feel that I belonged to us. But she is gone now and I feel again that I don’t belong to this world. I want to get out of this place and time. But where do I go from here?