사무실의 인간들하고 점심을 먹으러 갔다. 영화본 얘기, 자기 마누라 얘기, 나하고 아무 상관도 없는 얘기들. 나는 물리적으로는 이곳에 있지만, 나의 정신은 다른 곳에 있다. 인간들이 자신들의 작은 늪에서 자신들이 싸질러 놓은 오물속에서 뒹굴면서 사는 동안에, 나의 정신은 시베리아만큼 먼, 다른 공간에 있다.
Things changed and happened to me for the last two months. But I am still here caught in this planet of crazy monkeys. Why am I still here when my wife died seven years ago and I am always feeling that I am in the wrong place and time? Because I have no direction in my life. Because I have no mission to accomplish in this life. Whatever I do, I do it because of the law of inertia. I keep doing stupid and meaningless things in my life. I thought if I cut myself off from the outside world, I could find a meaning or a purpose in my life. I was wrong. As long as there is me, this thinking brain, in this world, the world will not be a different place. Unless I kill myself as an animal, a sick animal always thinking of, seeking a way out from this world, the world will be always the same. Maybe, the world has no problem. Just like nature has no problem. Animals and plants are out there enjoying their existence, just accepting what the world is. They make no plans. They don't worry abo...
일요일. 잠깐 차에 물건을 갖다 놓으러 나간 것 외에는 집에서 나가지 않았다. 하루가 시작되더니 금방 저녁이 된다. 애들은 방에 틀어박혀서 하루 종일 컴퓨터 게임만 한다. 남자 셋이 있는 집안은 그저 PC방 같다. 시간이 흘러서 애들이 여자를 만나 가정을 꾸리기를 바란다. 아내와 함께 아기자기한 시간을 보내기를 바란다. 웃음소리가 나는 집에서 살기를 바란다. 그렇게 되면 나는 여행을 떠날 것이다. 멀리.
The biggest change in my life that my wife’s death brought about is that I cannot take this life seriously anymore. She was a good woman, did nothing bad to anybody. And she died of horrible disease and never had a chance to say goodbye to me because the brain tumor robbed her of ability to reason and speak. It was a kind of big scam that was committed to her and me and my kids. The scam was committed by the life itself. The universe itself. I always feel disgusted at such injustice. Everything can happen and it my case it was every shit that happened. Why did she have to go through such a pain? Nobody or nothing can answer that question in this world. This is a disgusting world. In the novel, “Karamazov’s brothers”, there is a part where one of the protagonists says that he refuses an entry to the paradise because God allows a situation where a small child of a feudal slave is torn apart by wild dogs released by a lord just because the boy slightly hurt one of his animals. ...
Comments
Post a Comment